


I May Not Live To See Your Glory

by oncetherelivedaboy



Series: Hamilton Modern High School/College AU (The Evil One, Where Emotions Happen) [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Trans Aaron Burr, this is kind of an evil case of Deja Vu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-05-15 07:14:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 26,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5776456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncetherelivedaboy/pseuds/oncetherelivedaboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Going Through The Unimaginable following Alex and John as they journey through higher education.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I recommend reading Going Through The Unimaginable before reading this as spoiler sensitive material is here and just like it's a series, so please.  
> This takes place 3 years after the events of the GTTU epilogue.

Alexander isn’t really sure the last time he slept was, he can barely recall finishing his coffee off even though he could swear he’d just filled it up.. He pushes away from the desk, towards where the coffee maker is plugged in and placed on the windowsill. He doesn’t realize the pot is empty until he’s attempting to pour it out and nothing comes out. He curses and grabs for the jug of water they use to fill it with and the container filled with grounds, only to realize that too was empty. He shoots out a text to John if he bought anymore. His reply is nothing more than a sad face emoji and Alex huffs. Shutting his laptop, before heading out with keys and wallet in hand. Why is he always out of coffee during finals week,? The logical explanation would be that he drinks it all but he likes to concoct theories of the universe conspiring against him. It’s a cold day, light snow flurries fall, standing out when they stick to his dark hair and the air is chilled in a way that when he takes a deep breath he can feel it in his lungs. He didn’t hate the cold, just wasn’t accustomed to it, even nearly 10 years after his first below zero winter. He tended to bundle up in a scarf, hat and gloves as soon as the weather got below 65, yet he makes his way across campus in just a short pea coat, it had been a Christmas gift from John the year before and he wore it nearly everywhere once fall came around. 

The coffeeshop he was venturing to just happened to be the one he worked at part-time. Peggy, the girl working the counter today, had started at the beginning of the year, she was a freshman but she had easily taken the reigns, she had a heavy law course load and Alex had offered to help her study on more than a few occasions when she’s brought up upcoming tests, and he can see how flustered she is working now with finals starting in the next few days. 

“Afternoon.” He says as she punches in his usual order.

“It’s nearly 9 in the evening.” He glances at the clock on his phone.

“That it is. You think you could add an extra shot?” 

“I’ll add 2 extra, no charge.”

“You’re amazing.” 

“You work here, I’m allowed to give you a little leniency.” She giving him his change when she asks. “When was the last time you actually slept, because you look dead on your feet.” The math takes his groggy mind a moment to figure out.

“A little over 40 hours, I think.”

“You can’t live on just coffee.”

“I’ll probably crash around 3 tonight, that is unless John picks up some more coffee.” Theo passes him the coffee.

“What’s Aaron doing?” She asks.

“I think he’s studying, why?”

“He wasn’t here this afternoon, and he’s very meticulous about his schedule.”

“He had a doctor’s appointment earlier I believe. I’m sure you’ll see him tomorrow.” He starts to head out the door, giving them a short wave. “I’ll see you guys Tuesday morning.”

“Alright, get some sleep before then.” Peggy calls as she waves and then he’s back in the cold New York air. The backs of his eyes burned the same way they do when you have a fever but he pushes the thought away and sips at the coffee, a hint of bitterness on his tongue. He regrets not grabbing his scarf and hat, and his skin goosebumping up under the jacket. His leg is doing him no favors in terms of pain, god it hurt like hell. Why did it always hurt when he had shit to do, places to be or a boyfriend to ravish? He searched his pockets for his meds, finding them in the inside breast pocket. He situated his coffee between his arm and his chest so that he could grab one from the bottle. He bit it in half, swallowing one half and putting the other back in the bottle, he shoved it back in his pocket and took a swig of coffee. 

John comes home a little later than usual, he’d been shadowing some EMT’s to finish up his intermediate level training the last few weeks. He’d run to the store to pick up some more coffee for their machine in the dorm after Alex had texted him. 

“I got coffee. You planning on going to bed anytime soon?” He asks, flipping the light switch on. Alex had been reading through his notes using the little desk lamp. He’s crossed the room, flipping off the desk lamp in front of Alex.

“Not for awhile. I need to go over these a few more times.” John glances at the clock on the desk.

“It’s almost eleven.” He hasn’t looked up from the book.

“I know.”

“I’m going to change, make some tea, study for a bit and then go to bed.” John says, kissing his temple, slightly shocked at the heat there and John tilts his head up so he can see his face. “Are you feeling ok?” John asks, studying his features. His eyes are slightly bloodshot and a little glassy, his skin is pale, and there are dark circles under his eyes.

“I’m fine.” John presses the back of his hand to his forehead.

“Alex, you’re burning up.” 

“I need to study John.”

“No, you need to take some medicine and get some rest or you’re just going to get sicker and then you won’t even be able to take your finals.” He shuts the book on the desk with his free hand and grabs each of Alex’s and pulls him to his feet. “Come on, get some pajamas on. I’m going to text Burr because I know he has some cold medicine from last week when he had that bug.” 

“John...”

“How long have you been up?”

“I don’t know, a while.”

“Alex.”

“I don’t know, it’s probably around 46 hours now.” He pushes Alex softly onto the bed, so that he’s sitting and grabs a pair of pajama pants from the drawer, and tosses them to Alex. While Alex changes John texts Burr who shows up moments later with the medicine and a thermometer. When Burr’s gone he takes Alex’s temperature, much to his disapproval. 

“You’re at a hundred degrees, if you get some medicine in you and get to sleep now you may be able to sleep it off.” He says, already measuring out the medicinal syrup.

“I’m cold.” Alex says, and John notices the goosebumps rising on his skin, and his shivering even though the room is far from cold.

“I know honey, I know.” He hands Alex the medicine and a bottle of water. “Here, take this and then we’ll go to bed.”

“Don’t you need to study.”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me, ok?” He presses a kiss to Alex’s forehead. He flips out the light before shedding his shirt and jeans, leaving him in a pair of boxers. He grabs the comforter off his bed and lays it out on top Alex’s and climbs in under both of them. Opening it up and allowing Alex to snuggle against him, his skin warm and slightly feverish.

“I’m sorry I got sick.”

“It’s ok.” He presses another kiss to his forehead and pulls him a little bit closer.

“Love you.” Alex murmurs and John can feel his breath on his chest.

“Love you too Alex.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, enjoy the nice feels while they last cause shit's gonna go down in a couple chapters and I hope you're prepared. Also the statistical odds of all these people going to high school together and then all being accepted into this Ivy League is like nothing, but you know what this is fiction and in fiction the writer is god so like yeah, fight me. Also like cause I'm lame and take forever to set up exposition and shit it'll be a few chapters before shit happens, sorry about that. Finally everyone who read Going Through The Unimaginable, you guys are great, I love you. Thank you so much for all the nice comments and Kudos and Reads in general for that story. So just give yourself a nice little hug from me, yeah, just like that, just wrap your arms around yourself and pretend I'm coming through the screen to hug you because you guys are seriously awesome.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter actually has two parts but it was getting a little long so here you go, you could get part 2 later tonight or not until Monday, I honestly don't know.

Alexander did manage to sleep off the majority of the cold that night, though it took its revenge in the form of a stuffy nose and a killer headache, he realizes it could have been a lot worse, he could still have a fever that burned the backs of his eyes. Could be so sick he wouldn’t be able to take his finals, but thanks to one, John Laurens, he was at least mostly healthy. Tomorrow was their last day of exams, and while he felt confident with the ones he’d already taken he was still pouring over notes for the last 3 tests. John was at his own exam at the moment, but Alex could almost hear him scolding him for drinking too much caffeine for any normal human. He was on his 2nd cup since getting back from his exams and 5th of the day.  
He’d hadn’t refilled his anxiety medication over the weekend, he’d run out a few days ago and didn’t want to get it refilled, didn’t want to be dependent on the little pill for his whole life. He could already feel himself getting jittery and overly self aware. Though John would probably pick it up if he asked, he doesn’t ask. John has his own exams to study for and Alex doesn’t want to distract him or impede upon his study time. So instead he pours himself another cup of coffee to fight off the grogginess in the back of his mind, he knows it’ll only make the pressing issue of lack of anxiety medication worse, but he manages to push that thought away as he adds a bit of sugar. It burns his tongue as he takes a sip and turns back to his study guides and notes. He’s not really thinking about what he’s reading, his thoughts drifting even though he needs to study. He has to keep snapping the hair tie at his wrist to keep focused and then he keeps thinking about the hair tie, his mind racing to a million different times when he’d pulled his hair back into a ponytail, or bun, or that one time Lafayette and Mulligan each braided a side to see who could do a better job. He’d called it a tie and worn his hair like that for the rest of the day including to soccer practice. Soccer practice, it had been years since he’d been able to play. The accident had caused paralysis in his left leg, and cost John’s brother his life. There had been no good reason for the accident, Alex couldn’t even call it an accident the man behind the other wheel had gotten drunk and decided to try to drive home without his lights on, thinking it would make him less likely to be seen by cops, make him unseen to someone who wasn’t paying to much attention to a dark road at night, one he knew had a stop sign. George Eacker, that had been his name, he’d survived the crash and fled the scene, fled his car, left Alex and Philip to die, he hadn’t even...The door slammed shut, startling Alex out of his thoughts.  
“You alright?” John was standing in the room, pulling off his jacket.  
“Yeah, just having a hard time concentrating.”  
“You wanna go get something to eat, cold air might clear your head a bit?” Alex nodded, and started out the door.  
“Um, Alex.” John’s hand was on his arm.  
“Aren’t you going to grab your jacket, and I don’t know, maybe put on some shoes?”  
“Yeah. It’s cold out.” He said it more to himself as he grabbed the tennis shoes, adjusted the leg brace and started to pull them on when John stopped him again, holding a pair of rolled socks to him.  
“You sure you’re ok?” He was crouched in front of him where he sat on the side of the bed and made a move to feel his forehead but Alex stopped him.  
“I’m fine.”  
“If something’s bugging you, you can tell me, you know that right?” He nodded again, a quick sharp movement. John sighed but didn’t press him further. “What do you want to go get?” He shrugged and pulled on his jacket as John took his hand and led him out of the room.  
“You don’t care?”  
“Not really.” He couldn’t focus, a million things at once were being thrown around his mind. He needed to study, he really needed to study. If he didn’t study he was going to fail his exams, John needed to study too, why weren't they studying. They were getting food, then they would come back to study for exams. He needed his grades to stay up. He can still taste the bitter aftertaste of the coffee in his mouth. The lights in the hallway were bright, too bright. Why hadn’t it been like this? Why hadn’t he had his lights on? Why hadn’t the lights blinded him? Why had he left them to die? Why had he been driving? The questions tear through his mind at million miles an hour, cycling too quickly for him to comprehend. There were no lights, no light, he hadn’t seen the car. It wasn’t his fault. He glanced down at his hands, there was a faint trickle of blood in the center of his palm. Blood, god, Philip was bleeding, there was a blood on his hands. Why was there blood on his hands. Why was he in the car? Why… oh god, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t get the air in his lungs. He was gasping, and he could feel the tears pricking at his eyes. God his leg hurt, but he couldn’t move his leg, he could just feel the pain.  
John grabbed him by the shoulders. “Hey, hey. Look at me. Focus on me ok?” He started to look back down at his hand, to find out if it was real. “No, no, no.” He tilted his face back up with his finger hooked under his chin. “Alex, babe. It’s ok. Big deep breathe.” He still couldn’t catch his breath and he was gasping.  
“I can’t, I can’t…” He gasped, he was panicking, god he was panicking. He opened and closed his mouth and attempted to take in air. He pulled away, his back hitting the wall and slid down it, his leg catching under him. “I..I.” John was kneeling in front of him, pushing his hair out of his face.  
“You’re ok, you’re ok.” John pressed a hand gently to his chest. “Follow what I do ok? In.” He sucked in a breath and Alex did the same, the air filling his lungs. “And Out.” He repeated it a few times, his hand still against his chest. He could feel Alex’s heart racing under his fingertips. He removed his hand so he could help Alex to readjust his leg and the brace so he wasn’t sitting on it.  
“I’m going to go get a paper towel and a bandage for your hand ok?” Alex nodded slowly, his heart was racing, his mind spinning. Philip wasn’t supposed to be with him, why had he been with him. The game, the scholarship. He’d lost his scholarship, he wasn’t going to college. John, where was John? He was supposed to stay with him. Where was John? His chest was tightening again, his breaths erratic.  
“I’m right here Alex, I’m right here.” He was back, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear and then wiping at the his hand with a cold paper towel. Alex started to look down but John locked eyes with him again. “Don’t look at what I’m doing, look at me alright?” Look at my face. What’s your name?”  
“Alexander.”  
“What’s my name?”  
“John, John Laurens.”  
“When’s your birthday?”  
“January 11th.”  
“When’s my birthday?”  
“October 28th.” John kept asking him questions like this, birthdays of friends, made him rattle off useless facts, forcing him to focus. He barely noticed as John wrapped the gauze around his hand, where’d he’d ground his nails hard enough into his skin to draw blood.  
“All done.” He whispered, as he applied a final piece of medical tape and pressed a kiss to his forehead, and Alex leaned forward to rest his head against his chest and John ran his hand up and down his back. “You’re ok, I’ve got you, Alex.” He’s finally able to breath without thinking about it again.  
“I’m sor..’  
“Don’t you dare apologize.” He presses his lips to the top of his head. “You’re ok, and that’s all that matters.”  
“But it’s my fault.”  
“No, Alex. It’s not.”  
“I haven’t filled my prescription.”  
“How long since your last dose?”  
“3 days.”  
“You can’t do that.”  
“I don’t want to be on it anymore.”  
“Alex.”  
“I don’t, I don’t want to spend my life in a drug haze.” John smoothed his hair back and took his face in both hands.  
“Alex, you scared me half to death, I thought you were hurt.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
    They don’t go out, John orders a pizza and runs down to the lobby to pick it up and he and Alex just curl up on his bed and watch cheesy movies, though Alex seems more interested in kissing John than he cares about the story line playing out on the screen. John realizes that he’ll most likely have to wear a scarf tomorrow to avoid pointed looks from fellow classmates. The movie ends and Alex gets up and goes to his desk to continue going over his notes.  
“Alex.”  
“I need to study John.” He spins the chair so he can reach the coffee maker.  
“No, Alex. No more coffee.”  
“God, you sound like Burr.”  
“I don’t want anything to happen to you Alex.”  
“It’s a little late for that.” He snaps, and John looks hurt. “Shit happens in life, and it’s not going to slow down. I have to study and to study I have to stay awake.”  
“Alex, your off your anxiety medication, not only did you not tell me this but you’ve been guzzling caffeine, which can contribute to anxiety, in ungodly quantities.”  
“I didn’t realize you were my caretaker and that I have to tell you when I decide to change my habits.”  
“Alex..”  
“Don’t.” He pulls out the headphones from a drawer and turns back to his work as he plugs them in. It may normally be that John doesn’t bug him after incidents like this but he gets up and unplugs the headphones from his phone.  
“I’m sorry I want to have some insight on your life. We’re dating, Alex, we live together and I just want to make sure you’re ok. I’m not trying to control you, hell I’m not even telling you what to do. I’m asking you to please slow down, and to let me know when you make major changes, because yes, going off the anxiety medication you’ve been on for 3 years is a big deal. I want to be there for you, I’m your boyfriend and I love you like nothing else in this world, but for me to able to help I need you to tell me things otherwise I have no idea what to expect from you. Do you understand that? I need to be in the loop on things like that. What if this had happened with someone else, if you had been in class? I couldn’t have helped, you would have had to do that on your own and if someone called me I wouldn’t know because I didn’t even know you were off your meds. You want to know what a symptom of withdrawal is Alex, its a fever, like the one you had 2 days ago, it could have been a lot worse you could have ended up in the hospital, this isn't something to play around with, yet you treat it like it's nothing.” Alex doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even attempt to defend himself and John just grabs his keys and phone from his bed. “I’m going for a walk.” And with that he’s out the door and down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol, we haven't even hinted at the main plot line for this story yet cause I'm an asshole who can't follow his own goddamn outline. On a more serious note, if you yourself are on anti-anxiety or antidepressants do not do what Alex did, it will be discussed by John a little more later on as to why but don't just stop taking your medication.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE HAVE A TITLE NOW!!

The cold bites at his nose and he regrets not grabbing a coat, yet he continues on. The campus was still a buzz with activity, though the sun had long since set. He had no interest in going off campus, he just needed to clear his head. He loved Alex, he really did, but he could be exasperating. He understood that Alex wanted to be the best, understood that he needed to do well, but he couldn’t understand why he refused to allow himself a moment to take a break. He had to slow down before he turned to things even more unsavory than caffeine to keep him going. Alex had been saying that the anti-anxiety drugs he was on slowed him down, but John hadn’t thought he’d take action with it and stop taking them all together. He shouldn’t have done it and was lucky that the worst that happened was a panic attack weeks after stopping. He should have talked with a doctor, hell, John could have helped him better than him just stopping. He checked his phone, making sure he hadn’t gotten a call from Alex, and noticing the time decided it was time to start heading back.

Burr is heading out of the dorm building as he walks in.

“Everything ok?” He asks, noticing John’s expression.

“Yeah, just some stuff going on with Alex.” Burr’s expression goes from mild concern to near panic.“He’s fine Aaron. Nothing to worry about right now.” He says reassuringly.

“Can you tell me anything else?”

“I’ll ask Alex to talk to you about it, but you know how he is about some stuff.”

“I get it. I hope whatever it is you guys get it figured out.”

“I’ll talk to you later, I’ve gotta get upstairs.”

“Alright, give Alex my best wishes.” The door slides shut behind him, leaving John to climb the stairs. He’s reaching into his pocket for his keys when he realizes he’d left them sitting on his desk. He knocks lightly, not expecting a response as Alex normally wears headphones to study. No reply comes. He gives a few minutes and is just pulling out his phone when the door opens and his phone starts to buzz. Alex is standing there, crutch under one arm and phone in the opposite hand and pressed to his ear, his eyes are puffy and his hair has come out of the ponytail. He catches sight of John and practically springs onto him, his arms going around his chest.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to not tell you. I just didn’t think it was important, I didn’t want you to try and talk me out of it.” John wraps his own arms around the shorter man.

“Alex, you can’t mess around with stuff like that. I love you, but you have to trust me with stuff like this.” He nods against his chest and John pulls him closer.

“I’m sorry I stormed out.”

“You needed a break, I get it John.” He kisses the top of his head, the light scent of his shampoo filling his nose.

“I’m still sorry.” Alex pulls away, reaching for his fallen crutch.

“We’re allowed to get sick of each other John, we live together, we’re dating….and I know I can be a lot sometimes.”

“Sometimes?” John says, slightly chuckling and Alex punches his arm lightly.

“I’m trying to have a moment here.”

“Sorry.” Alex has suddenly become very interested in John’s tennis shoes, refusing to look up as he starts to talk.

“Anyway, I totally get it if you need a break. From the dorm. From me….. From us.” John doesn’t say anything and Alex takes his silence to continue talking. “I can talk to Burr, he’ll probably let me stay with him cause he’s in a single. I can talk to the RA about a room reassignment. IgetitJohnIreallydoIwasahighschoolthingandnowthatwereincollegeyoudont…” It comes out in a jumpled mess and John can see the tears rolling down his cheeks even though he’s looking down and his hair is falling forward to cover most of it.

“Alex, sweetheart, no.” John pulls him into an embrace, one hand in his hair and the other on his back. “I love you, ok, I love you so much.” His shoulders are shaking and his hands are bunched in his shirt. John uses the hand on his back to rub slow circles there. “It’s ok sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.”

“I’m sorry you have to put up with me.” He sobs.

“You’re not someone I put up with Alex.” He tilts his chin up and wipes at the tears there. “I’m not going anywhere sweetheart. I’m always going to be here.” Alex nods, and John wipes away the rest of the tears with his thumb. “You’re ok, I’ve got you.”

“I’m sorry about…”

“You don’t need to apologize. I know you don’t want to talk to a doctor but I’m going to set up an appointment for after christmas break, when we back from the Washington’s, that way they can set it up so they ween you off it and you can get used to being off it at a steady pace. The pharmacy’s are closed right now but I’m going to refill the prescription tomorrow morning, alright?”

“I don’t..”

“Alex, if you continue like this you’re not going to be able to take your exam, much less drive in a car with Burr all the way back home. Please, just trust me.” He nods and John kisses his forehead, before he buries it back in his shirt. “Come on, lets get you to bed.” He takes him hand and pulls him back into their room.

Alex sits down on the bed as John changes into a pair of pajama pants with little turtles all over them and slips out of his shirt and sweater.

“I’ll wake you up when I get up to go get breakfast and refill your medication so you can study, is that alright?”

“Thank you.” John presses his lips to Alex’s cheek as he unclips the brace and pushes it slightly under the bed. John climbs into the space behind him and pulls him down. The blinds have been closed and the only sound is their shallow breathing and the muffled sound of traffic.

They’ve been lying there for about fifteen minutes when Alex whispers. “John?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t leave, as long you're here nothing can go wrong, no matter how bad it gets you’re the one who gets me through it.” John recalls the stories Alex had told about his life before coming to the US, from his time before he’d been a showpiece foster child for a set of absent parents.

“You don’t need me Alex, but I’ll always be here.” Alex buries his face in John’s neck, the curly hair tickling his nose, his lips brushing John’s collar bone.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that took a while, sorry guys. Still barely following my outline but hey, it's getting closer than it was last chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly smutty this chapter, which is why I'm upping the rating. However I skip over like actual dick talk cause that kind of stuff just kind of weirds me out.

Alex was not the first in the class to finish the exam but he was one of the first few, he hadn’t been paying much attention to the other students as he wrote out his essays and answers, he reread his essays twice and double checked his answers before tossing his backpack over his shoulder and trudging to the front of the classroom to deposit the stack of paper onto the teacher’s desk. Who in turn, had gestured vaguely towards the door, too engrossed in a novel with a rather risque cover to offer more than that.

Outside the air had cooled considerably and Alex pulled his scarf up around his nose and mouth. His hair was down but it offered little protection for his ears, he reached for the beanie John had shoved into the mesh pocket of his bag that morning, and pulled it on down over his ears. John had been true to his word from the night before, and had gotten up early to go refill his prescription and had got Alex up so he could go over his notes a few more times. He’d returned with two to-go orders of biscuits, gravy, eggs and hash browns from one of the many diner’s they frequented on early Saturday mornings. The smell alone had pulled him from his one studying in favor of the sweet sausage gravy on warm fluffy biscuits. They’d sat cross legged on the floor, not wanting to get food on their books. Alex had, somewhat begrudgingly, swallowed his medication with hot chocolate. John always made sure there was a box of the chocolate packets and there was a large glass jar full of little tea bags, some labeled, some not. After they’d finished breakfast John had pressed kisses to his face and neck and Alex had in turn left little marks on his collarbone and shoulders, and light bites to his neck as he’d hoisted Alex up onto his bed. Alex, who’d laughed as they kissed because John’s hand were running up his sides and back, the light touches tickling his skin, and he just grinned as his own shirt was pulled over his head. Alex’s breath had hitched as his hands moved lower, moved to slip beneath the sweatpants, beneath his….

“Alexander.” Burr’s voice broke his train of thought, probably for the best.

“Sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention, what were you saying?”

“We’re picking up Mulligan and Lafayette from the airport at 5 tonight and then we’re heading up to the Washington’s, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And do I need to worry about Laurens?”

“No, he wanted to finish up his hours of shadowing over break and he’s going to drive down on Christmas eve.”

“I’ve got a lunch date, so I’ll..” Alex perks up and turns to look at him.

“A lunch date?”

“Yes.” Burr says it with slight hesitation.

“Who with?” He urges, knocking their shoulders together.

“Someone.”

“Buuuurrrrr.” He whines. “Come on, tell me, we’re like brothers.”

“There is no ‘like’, we are brothers.”

“Don’t change the subject. So, boy, girl, non-binary?”

“No, Alex, I’m not.”

“Please.”

“No, I don’t want you to bother her.”

“Oooo they’re a her. And I know this her.”

“Alex, please don’t.”

“How do I know her? Do we all have a class together?” He studies Burr’s expression. “No. Is she in our dorm?” Again no change in his face as they walk apart from a deeper scowl. “Do I work with her?” It’s subtle but Alex notices the way his mouth twitches upwards a bit, but he corrects it in a second. “Oh my god! It is!”

“Can we not do this right now?” He starts to walk away and Alex shouts after him. “It’s Peggy! Right! It has to be Peggy!”

“No Alex, it’s not Peggy.” He has to hurry to catch up to Burr.

“It’s Theo! Oh my gosh! You and Theo?”

“Shush up, ok? The whole school doesn’t need to know.”

“I was right then?”

“Yes, but keep it down.”

“Awwww, you guys are gonna be great together, she’s a really nice girl and very intelligent. She’s so flirting with you whenever you come in. You two are too cute. I’m gonna be the best man at your wedding right? I swear if you pick Jefferson I’ll never forgive you.”

“Alexander, it’s a lunch date, please don’t start planning my wedding.”

“You’ll be so adorable in your little white suit, and her in....”

“Alex.” He’s stopped, and is rubbing at his temples with one hand. “Could you please stop, how would you like it if I started mentally preparing your’s and John’s wedding?”

“Have you? Oh my gosh, how cool would it be if we did a double wedding.”

“Alex I swear to god if you don’t stop talking about weddings I am going to make Jefferson my best man when the time comes.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” He says, clutching his chest with one hand in mock pain.

“I would.” Burr retorts, chuckling slightly and glances at his watch. “I’ve gotta go man. No more wedding talk, you’ll scare John.”

“Alright, have fun” Alex pulls him into a hug and Burr awkwardly pats his back. He steps away and gives Alex a quick wave.

“See you later.”

When he gets back to the dorm he sets about putting a bag together for the trip, the Christmas presents he’d bought for everyone had long been wrapped or packed away in bags with tissue paper and hidden in the back of his wardrobe, the stack covered by an unzipped sleeping bag. He fills one of the moving boxes they have left over and stuffed between the beds and wall with the gifts. He spends several minutes looking for his glasses case, he only wore them at night but didn’t trust them not to get broken in the bag. John comes in the exact moment he finds them, stuffed at the back of his sock drawer.

“You aren’t packed yet?”

“No, I don’t see you packed yet either.”

“I’m not leaving for 3 days.”

“Why can’t you just drive up with us?”

“I’m less than 20 hours from getting intermediate level certification.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“You’ll be fine without me for 3 days, right?”

“I guess.” He says, feigning exasperation.

“At least I’ll be there for Christmas.”

“But not Christmas Eve dinner.”

“You’ll survive one dinner without me.”

“Mulligan and Lafayette will be in tonight, we’re picking them up before we leave.”

“Bets still on right? I’ve got a feeling this is the year.”

“Yeah, yeah. If they do I say they won’t be able to keep it hush hush before you get there.”

“I think they’ll be able to wait until then.”

“When have you ever known Lafayette to be able to keep a secret?”

“Yes, but Mulligan managed to keep his first name a secret from Laf and you the entirety of Freshman year.” John tosses Alex the bottle of pills, and it lands on top of the folded gray t-shirt at the top of his bag. “Are you feeling any better from yesterday?” Alex nods.

“Yeah, I was completely fine by the time exams started.” John clears the space between them in a stride and hooks his thumbs on Alex’s belt loops, pulling him close.

“I set up a doctor’s appointment the day after Lafayette and Mulligan leave for France. You got lucky that it kicked back up as quickly as it did.” He tilts his head down that their foreheads are pressed together. “Your headaches gone?” Alex nods. “Good.”

Alex goes on his toes a bit, and kisses him, the lingering taste of cinnamon gum on his lips. John’s arms circle his waist, and Alex’s go around his neck, the duffel bag forgotten, as John’s hands start to snake under his shirt. His cold hands pulling it up and over his head.

“We really doing round 2?” Alex asks, as his hands go back to John’s hair

“Does it actually count as round 2 when we’ve both had 3 exams since round one?”

“Yes. Your bed this time.” He says without hesitation, and John laughs, backing up against the edge of his bed and pulling his shirt up and over his head. Little dark spots peppered his skin there, from where Alex had sucked marks into the flesh or little bites that didn’t draw blood but tended to last a day or two. Alex pushes him backwards so that he’s lying down, his legs still dangling off the bed. Alex’s hands fumbled with his belt as his mouth traced the marks from that morning and John’s fingers curled in his dark hair, his bottom lip held between his front teeth as the belt fell away and Alex palmed at his crotch, the jeans tightening around the area there. His own hands move lower down Alex’s sides, his hands going to unzip his jeans.

“I gotta kill the mood, for like 2 minutes. The brace is over my jeans.” Alex says as he sits up and starts to undo the clasps with one hand the other still palming John through the jeans.

“Christ, Alex. If you want to do this as a mutual thing then…” Alex leaned forward to cut him off with a kiss as the final clasp of his brace came undone, he pulled it off and dropped it next to the bed. Most of his weight was on John’s thighs now. John sat up to help Alex pull the jeans off his legs and they moved farther onto the bed so that neither accidentally fell off of it. Alex had his hips pinned against the bed again and started to work John’s jeans down and he kicked them off the rest of the way. Now they were both in nothing but their underwear, and Alex had replaced his hand and was now mouthing at the bulge. “Alex.” his voice was breathy and his hands fisted in Alex’s hair. He throws his head back against the pillows, barely suppressing a loud groan, as the man situated between his legs starts to pull his underwear down.

______

Alex is curled up against his side, John can feel his warm breath on his skin and they’re both still trying to catch it, taking it great gulps of air.

“That was fun, any real reason or was it just that, fun?”

“I’m not going to see you for 3 days.” Alex said. “Needed a little something to tide me over.”

“We are so not having sex while staying at Mulligan’s.”

“Not even for Christmas.”

“Nope.” Alex sticks his bottom lip out in a fake pout. “But my father’s going to be out of town that whole week, meaning we can stay there and have the whole house to ourselves.” He strokes back Alex's dark hair which is sticking to his forehead from the sweat. 

“That sounds promising.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was certainly something, I haven't written smut (even though it's only slightly smutty) since Freshman year. So yeah, I really didn't intend for that to happen but it did so have fun with that. I literally thrive on comments so maybe leave one, I will be forever grateful.


	5. Chapter 5

Hamilton and Burr are waiting with a crowd of people just outside the security checkpoint exit. Alex was bugging him about his date with Theodosia but he’d refused to say anything.

“Come on. Atleast tell me if it was a bust and if I should cancel the rehearsal dinner reservations.”

“Would you stop with the wedding talk.”

“Nope.”

“Are you going to propose to John or something?” Alex shrugs. “Oh my god, you totally are. Do you have a ring yet?”

“I might.” He says patting the inside pocket of his coat.

“Why am I only now hearing about this?”

“Because I haven’t told anyone.”

“When are you going to ask him?”

“I’m not sure yet, I’ve been carrying it around for a while, trying to find the right time.” He pulls out the box and passes it to Burr and holds up the sign reading ‘Lafayette and Hercules’ and a little french flag drawn in each corner. 

“Shit, Alex. I don’t mean to sound nosy but how did you afford this?” It’s not the most fancy, and it’s actually rather simple compared to some of the rings Alex has seen. The crystal was a light       blue, not overly gaudy, but not tiny. The band was black but a braid of silver ran over the middle of it. 

“It was my mother’s, the only thing of value we had back when I lived there. She wouldn’t dare sell it for her own medicine but, when I got sick” Alex isn’t one to usually talk about his life before he’d come to America, he didn’t mind mentioning his immigrant or orphan status but he didn’t talk too much about his life then. “She pawned it to pay for my medicine, after she passed away I managed to scrounge enough together to buy it back.Then I came here, because of my father’s US citizenship and his claim to raise me. Then he dropped me into the US foster system and you know the rest.” Alex takes back the box as he notices Lafayette and Mulligan rounding the corner, and shoves it into his pocket, raising the sign above his head. Lafayette all but drops the bag when he catches sight of Alex, running over to pull the shorter one into a tight hug and lifting him off the floor, shouting hellos and other things in French. Mulligan is a little more reserved in his walk over but also pulls Alex into a tight hug. 

“And Aaron, how have you been?” Lafayette asks.

“I’m alright.”

“Good, good.”

“Laf, we can talk in the car.” Mulligan says, as he starts to lead the group away from the crowd.

“Do you even know where we’re going?”

“Yes, baggage claim.” 

The two collect their bags, and Alex and Burr offer to take the backpacks they’d been carrying but they both just wave away the offer.

“We’ve got them.” Mulligan says, stacking a duffel on top his rolling suitcase. 

“Where is mon cher Laurens?”

“He’s driving up on Christmas Eve.” Alex responded as they started towards the exit. “He wanted to get the last of his hours in so he can qualify for paramedic training next semester.”

“I thought he was studying to be a trauma nurse?” Mulligan asks. 

“He still is, but he wants to start working before we graduate so that he has a feel for the field and can get out of from under his father’s thumb.” They get to the car, Lafayette and Mulligan toss their bags in the trunk with Alex’s and Burr’s before they climb into the backseat. The both of them are out before they’ve even left the city, Lafayette laying across the seat, head resting on Mulligan’s leg, who’s sitting up and his forehead pressed against the car’s window and his fingers tangled in Lafayette’s hair. Burr just sighs when he notices Alexander has yet to respond to his inquiries about his exams, and is fast asleep as Burr drives over the state line.

They arrive at the Mulligans’ quite a while later and Lafayette can’t help but wonder why they hadn’t just flown to a closer airport.

“Because where’s the bonding road trip experience there?” Hercules responds as they all start collecting their bags and heading inside.

“You all slept the whole time, there was no bonding.”

“Aww, is poor Burr a little cranky because he’s sweepy.” Alex says in a baby voice.

“I had to listen to nothing but you snoring for 10 hours.”

“I don’t snore.” Mulligan unlocks the door, pressing a finger to his lips to indicate they should be quiet because his parents were probably asleep.  

“I beg to differ.” Burr hissed as they entered. 

The lights had not been on when they’d pulled into the driveway so the last thing any of them had expected when they entered the house was anyone to be awake, yet there were Hercules’ parents, his mother was up in an instant pulling him and Lafayette into a hug. 

“We’ve missed you so much.” She kisses each of their cheeks, Lafayette leaning down to return the peck.

“And we’ve missed you,  Mademoiselle.” She catches sight of Alex and Burr and pulls them into a hug as well.

“My dears, will you be staying with us as well?”

“If that’s alright with you ma'am.” Burr replied when she pulled away.

“Why of course. Come come.” She took them each by the arm, leading them upstairs as Lafayette buried his face in Hercules’ shoulder to avoid giggling at the face Burr made as he was hauled away by the enthusiastic woman.

“Aaron, is it alright if I put you in Hugh’s old room?”

“Yes ma’am that’s fine, unless he needs it that is.”

“He’s stationed in Iraq right now and won’t be home for Christmas this year.” She said, opening the door with careful hands. “And there’s no need to call me “Ma’am”, makes me feel like an old woman.” Burr fumbled with his apology, and Alex held back a chuckle.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you ma… Mrs. Mulligan.”

“Oh no dear, you can just call me Rachel. No need for formalities.” She gave him a final hug before waving him into the room. “Get some sleep, alright?”

“Yes, thanks again.”

“It’s no problem, really.” She pulled the door shut and led Alex to the guest bedroom. “Will John be coming up at a later time?” 

“He’s got some stuff going on for the next few days but he should be arriving Christmas Eve.”

“Alrighty dear, why don’t you get unpacked and get some sleep.”

“Thank you so much, I’m sorry we didn’t inform you earlier Aaron and I thought Hercules had told you.”

“No need to fuss dear, it’s quite alright. Hercules tends to be forgetful about telling us things, we knew he and Lafayette would be visiting, but a few unexpected guests are more than welcome. It’s nice to have the house full of people again. Reminds of when you’d all come over in high school, you all got along so well.” She kisses his cheek. “I’m going to go get some sleep, I’ll send Hercules to wake you up around 11 for brunch, does that sound alright?”

“That sounds wonderful.” She smiles at him as she heads back downstairs, passing Hercules and Lafayette as they make their way to his bedroom. Alexander can’t tell for certain in the dark hallway but he’s fairly certain that they’re holding hands, and that when Lafayette leans down it is for more than a kiss on the forehead or cheek. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just be completely honest, I have no idea where this story is going because that beginning bit about the ring definitely wasn't in my outline, but whatever. Shit's gonna go down in the next couple chapters if I can manage to stick to my outline (probs not). Also, would anyone be interested in a fic specifically following Laf and Mulligan in France cause I have a few ideas running through my head about that. Anyway, hope everyone had a great weekend because I literally played over 18 hours of skyrim in the last 2 days.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations are the end of the chapter, there's quite a few. HOWEVER, it's all google translate so if it's shitty I'm sorry.

It’s Christmas Eve morning and the house is abuzz with people, Mrs. Mulligan and Lafayette are in the kitchen, Lafayette making french toast out of baguette slices, for no reason but wanting to laugh about it later and Rachel is making an ungodly amount of sausage, scrambled eggs and bacon. Burr is sitting on the couch, his legs pulled up and tucked under the pillows as he reads. The Washington’s are here and Hercules and Washington are talking excitedly about soccer and the possibility of a trip to the next World Cup. Alexander sets the table with plates and silverware as Martha goes around and finds out who wants what to drink, and filling mugs of coffee for all. Lafayette emerges from the kitchen with a plate stacked high with french toast and a glass bowl filled with scrambled eggs, Rachel right behind him carrying a plate of sausage and bacon.

“Breakfast is ready!” Alexander shouts towards the living room, and soon the table is full. The Mulligan parents at the head of the table with Hercules on his mother’s right. Everyone is pulling food onto their plates, when Hercules stands.

“So before we eat, I have an announcement to make.” He glances down at Lafayette sitting next to him, and chewing on his lip. “However I think Lafayette should make their first.” Lafayette stands, towering over Hercules.

“I’m sure some of you have heard the term ‘non-binary’.” Lafayette says. “But I feel I should give a brief explanation before I continue, there a number of people who identify as something other than male or female, outside of the gender binary, and well, I continue to go by Lafayette, however I’ve been asking people, special...no” Lafayette pauses, ringing their hands slightly and turning to Alexander to offer the word in French, however Hercules offers it before he can.

“Specifically me, to use they/them pronouns.” He can see how flustered they’ve become, obviously more than a little nervous. “What Lafayette is saying is that they want you to address them, as them, and I don’t imagine there will be a problem with any of you, but if there is it is me you’ll have to deal with.” He cast a glance at Washington. The table is quiet, and Burr is the first to speak.

“You have nothing to worry about when it comes to the people here, and I can personally attast to that.”

“I realize that Hercules final comment was mostly directed at me.” Washington begins, addressing Lafayette. “And I am not a young man, I do not know all the ins and outs of all these things, but I will do my best. If I misstep in anyway, please let me know, I will correct the behavior.” Lafayette nods and Hercules seems to be pleased.

“Now, for our the second announcement.” Hercules says, and reaches down to grab Lafayette’s    hand. “We’re kind of dating now.” Alex grins, and pulls his phone out of his pocket.

“What are you doing?” Burr asks when he sees it.

“Telling John he owes me 20 bucks.”

 **“Hercules, cher asseoir la nourriture se refroidit.”** Lafayette mutters to Hercules who is still standing up.

“Laf, dear, I love you but I didn’t understand any of that.”

“Food is getting cold.” Alexander adds. “ **Laf, vous devez apprendre à votre petit ami français, je ne serai pas toujours ici pour la traduire.** ” Sending the text and shoving the phone back into his pocket.

**“Il veut seulement apprendre les malédictions.”**

**“Bien sûr, il ne”**

“Both of you stop it.” Hercules interjects. “Can we eat now?”

 **“Assurément, chère.”** Lafayette says, grabbing their fork and skewering a piece of french toast. Hercules groans, but accepts the toast when they place it on his plate and places a kiss on his cheek.

There is little discussion, except to ask for someone to pass something to them, as they pile food onto their plates. There’s sliced fruit in a bowl to eat plain and another small bowl of blueberry syrup, the table was littered with different toppings, from whipped cream, to maple syrup and butter to cream cheese.

“Lafayette, you outdid yourself with this.” Rachel says between bites.

**“Merci.”**

**"Ceci est vraiment incroyable."**

“Alexander don’t you dare encourage them.” Hercules say, pointing a fork at him.

**“Vous pensez qu'il va réellement me poignarder?”**

**“Trop d'un ours en peluche, il ne sera même pas me étouffer quand je demande.”**

**“Je ne suis pas besoin de le savoir.”** Alex says, ejecting himself from the conversation. Burr’s face says it all.

“What? What’d they say?” Mulligan asks.

“Nothing.” Burr says, quickly shaking his head and gulping down some orange juice. Lafayette quickly changes the conversation.

“When is John going to start driving up?” Alex checks the clock.

“He gets off in an hour or two and then he’s going to get a few hours of sleep, but he should be here before midnight.”

When they’re finished eating, the Washington’s head out, Martha telling them that she’d love to stay but that they have to finish setting up for the Christmas party that evening. Hamilton and Burr started with the dishes, Burr drying and putting away as Alex washed.

“Thank you boys.” Rachel said, as she shrugged on a jacket. “Will you be alright while I’m gone? I have to run a few errands, drop off some last minute christmas gifts.”

“We’ll be just fine. Don’t worry about us, get whatever you need to do done.” Alexander said, his arms elbow deep into the sink.

“Call me if there are any problems, or emergencies?”

“We will.”

“Thank you again for cleaning up.” She poked her head out of the kitchen, into the living room where Lafayette had their head rested in Mulligan’s lap as he strokes their hair back, a few pieces have escaped from the ponytail.

“Hercules, I’m going to run a few errands, call me if you need anything.”

“Alright maw.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.” Lafayette chuckled a bit, and Hercules swatted at their arm. “There is no shame in telling my mother I love her.” He said after she’d left.

“Ofcourse not, I was laughing at you calling her maw.” Hercules rested his hand on the back of Lafayette's neck, massaging gently.

“Its an irish thing.”

“I know, but sometimes I forget. It’s cute.” They yawn, not bothering to muffle it with a hand.

“You tired?” They nod against his leg. “Do you want to go upstairs and take a nap, that way we’re not tired for the party?” Before he can respond Alex’s phone starts to vibrate on the coffee table.

“Alex!” Lafayette called.

“Yeah?” He said, sticking his head out of the kitchen.

“Your phone’s ringing.” Hercules replied.

“Who is it?” Hercules leaned forward to look at the caller ID. “Laurens.” Alex wiped his hands on a towel and crossed the room to pick up his phone.

“John? Are you heading down early?” His face paled as the muffled voice on the other side spoke. and Lafayette sat up. “I’ll be there as soon as I can….Alright, thank you for calling.” He hung up the phone.

“Alex, what happened?” Lafayette asked, their own face falling as they registered Alex’s panic, he’s shaking so bad he can barely get his phone in his pocket. Lafayette takes each of his hands in their and pulls him down so that he’s sitting down and they move to the ground so that they’re kneeling in front of him, holding his face in their hands. **“Alex, mon coeur qui ne va pas?”**

 **“Il est à l'hôpital. Je ne sais pas ce qui est arrivé, mais ils ne sais pas s'il va le faire, et je suis dix heures et je ne peux pas obtenir de lui.”** Lafayette leans forward to pull Alex into a tight embrace, their hands stroking back his dark hair as he just let his head hit their chest.

“Laf? I, I can’t help unless….”

“He’s in the hospital, they didn’t tell him why, just that he’s there.” Alex chokes out a sob against Lafayette’s chest. “Mon cheri, go pack some bags with clothes and toothbrushes, things like that, we need to get to the hospital.” They say to Hercules who disappears upstairs. “Burr.” Lafayette shouts and he’s standing in the door frame.

“Yes?”

“Call Rachel, tell her we’re leaving.”

“What? Why?”

“John’s in the ICU.”

“Oh my god, what happened?”

“We don’t know, can you drive?” He nods quickly, as Mulligan comes downstairs holding two duffel bags. “You two, go get in the car, Hercules sit in the front with Burr, and make sure the backseat is cleared out.” The two disappear out the front door, and he addresses the shuddering Alex. “Take some big breaths for me.” He does, but it doesn’t stop the tears. “We need to leave, and I want to tell you everything is going to be alright and I want everything to be alright, but this feels like when we got the call from John when you…” They stop themselves. “Can you put your arms around my neck?” He nods and wraps his arms around Lafayette’s neck. “I’m going to pick you up, ok?” Alex nods against their chest and they gather him into their arms.

“He has to be ok, Laf. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to him.”

“This is a nasty case of Deja Vu Alex, but it was ok once, it can be ok again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, so as promised shit went down and emotions are happening because I'm a horrible human being who thrives on your tears. Also, if you didn't see this coming then don't blame me, he made that promise and Alex said nothing could go wrong so long as he was there and then the title. So yeah, have fun with the knowledge that John "May not live to see Alex's glory." 
> 
> Translations
> 
> “Hercules, cher asseoir la nourriture se refroidit.” - Hercules, dear sit down the food is getting cold.
> 
> Laf, vous devez apprendre à votre petit ami français, je ne serai pas toujours ici pour la traduire. - Laf, you need to teach your boyfriend French, I won't always be here to translate.
> 
> “Il veut seulement apprendre les malédictions.” - He only wants to learn the curses.
> 
> “Bien sûr, il ne” - Ofcourse he does
> 
> “Assurément, chère.” - Certainly Dear
> 
> “Merci.” - Thank You 
> 
> "Ceci est vraiment incroyable." - This is truly amazing.
> 
> “Vous pensez qu'il va réellement me poignarder?” - You think he'll actually stab me?
> 
> “Trop d'un ours en peluche, il ne sera même pas me étouffer quand je demande.” - Too much of a teddy bear, he won't even choke me when I ask.
> 
> “Je ne suis pas besoin de le savoir.” - I didn't need to know that.
> 
> “Alex, mon coeur qui ne va pas?” - Alex, sweetheart what's wrong?
> 
> “Il est à l'hôpital. Je ne sais pas ce qui est arrivé, mais ils ne sais pas s'il va le faire, et je suis dix heures et je ne peux pas obtenir de lui.” - He's in the hospital. I don't know what happened, but they don't know if he's going to make it, and I'm ten hours away and I can't get to him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one isn't all that long, I've been working on some side projects that aren't fanfiction related.

Lafayette was by far the best in a crisis, sure John was good in a medical crisis and could take care of injuries with ease, but Lafayette was the one who took charge, telling everyone the things they needed to do to get the issue solved, and they were the one who could calm you down with just their voice, the thick accent only adding to the vocal sedative. 

They had been whispering things to Alex since they’d gotten into the car, holding him against their chest in the backseat and doing their own best to keep their heartbeat steady as Alex could most likely hear it through their sweater, and running their hands through his hair as he shook.

Burr was driving and sat completely stoic, just focusing on the long drive ahead of them and Hercules fiddled with Alex’s phone, he’d dialed John’s number again and a woman had answered, she’d said her name was Angelica. The ambulance had been on a run of the mill call after they’d gotten a call about a mugging victim, they’d gotten there before the cops and had set to work when the guy on the ground pulled a gun on them. John was in surgery now, but they didn’t know how long he’d been in there and when they’d actually move him to the ICU, Alex hadn’t gotten the whole story in the rush of everything. One of the other EMTs working with them had been killed, John had taken 2 shots, but where? Angelica wasn’t sure, she’d just been getting off duty when she heard and had raced to the hospital, luckily he’d left his phone in the ambulance so she’d been able to get a hold of Alex. Lafayette desperately wanted to reassure Alex that everything was going to be alright, and that Laurens was going to be in tiptop shape in no time but Lafayette didn’t want to lie to him so they just listened as he rambled, and when he fell silent Lafayette filled it with their own words, not wanting to leave Alex in the confines of his mind, that would have been even worse, because he’d play through every scenario, every bad thing that could happen, rational and irrational, and he’d end up a mess, so Lafayette kept talking, so that he wasn’t able to think. It was nonsense really, they told him about St.Patrick’s day, when they’d kissed Hercules for the first time, and Hercules had turned around in his seat at the sound of his name but he couldn't tell what story was being told and Lafayette had smiled at him, but continued to offer words of comfort. 

“I’ve got you.” They said as he started shuddering even more. “ **Je t'ai eu.** ” He sniffled and Lafayette tilted his chin up so they could wipe away the tears with the pad of their thumb.

“Are you hungry?” They’d been driving for about 5 hours, the majority of that time he’d spent curled up against Lafayette, who was still holding him as if he was a scared child, and hadn’t thought much about the fact that all in all it had been several hours since brunch at the Mulligan’s. The car had pulled up next to a gas pump, and Alex nodded.

“Laf and I will go inside while Burr fills up the tank, there's a Subway inside, do you want anything specific?” 

“No.” Hercules and Burr opened their doors and Alex sat up so that he was sitting in the seat properly, Lafayette climbing out of the car and they leaned in the door slightly. 

“Are you going to be ok, or do you want me to stay?” They asked, watching Alex wipe a few erratic hairs out of his face.

“I’ll be alright.” Lafayette leaned in, pressing their lips to his forehead. They’d always been an affection person, dropping kisses to people’s forehead or cheeks, Alex had been no exception, they’d curled up on couches together in high school while discussing politics, homework or some other nonsense, and sipping mango smoothies. But he hadn’t seen Lafayette in months, hadn’t experienced any real affection from anyone but John who was constantly touching him, dropping kisses to his forehead too often to count, and it made Alex think of everytime John had done the same thing.

They shut the door then, and Alex felt tears prickling in the back of his eyes, he took a deep breath and pressed his forehead to the back of the passenger seat. The pressure on his skull a welcome sensation. Burr was back in the car before the other two, and he tapped Alex’s shoulder, and he sat up.

“Don’t do that, it left an imprint on your face.” Alex pressed his hand to his forehead feelings the little ridges there.

“Sorry.”

“It’s going to be ok Alex.” Burr, ever the people pleaser, reassured him. “I’m sure he’s already out of surgery, he’ll be calling you himself soon.” Alex didn’t say anything, grateful for his friend but also fuming because they both knew he was lying, he smiled at him anyway.

“I think I like your version more than Lafayette’s.” He said, just as he caught a glimpse of the two of them coming out of the doors holding a few sandwich bags as well as chips and drinks. “Everythings going to work itself out.” Burr said, just before the doors were being pulled open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also: Who else is psyched for deadpool, cause I know I am.


	8. Chapter 8

Waiting. That’s what they were doing, all of them, sitting in the waiting room, every once in awhile Alex would get up and go ask about what was happening and the nurse would just ask for him to “please sit down” and he’d almost lose it, but then Lafayette would come over and put a hand on his shoulder and bring him back to where Burr and Hercules were sitting, and he’d just bury his head in their chest again. His emotions cycled, he’d shaking with fear one minute, absolutely terrified about what would happen, ready to literally beat the shit out of anyone who stood in his way the next, and then it would all fall apart and he’d dissolve into tears. They’d been in the waiting room for nearly 5 hours when a young nurse came up to them.

“I’m Eliza.” She said, reaching out and shaking each of their hands. “Right now I can’t give you any information on Mr. Laurens’ condition, only that he just got out of surgery, and that we need to make sure he's stable before we can take you to see him.” She was watching them all intently, their faces reading nothing but exhaustion and worry, and sighed lightly. “How long have you all been here?”

“Few hours.” Hercules said, his hand intertwined with the one that Lafayette didn’t have around Alex.

“I can take you all to a family room if you’d like, it’s got more comfortable seating and I can come tell you all about your friend’s condition as I’m allowed. Is that alright?” Lafayette nodded, and helped Alex to his feet, he’d left his medication in the car and his leg felt like fire. She led them to small room with a little couch and two chairs Hercules took a seat on one side of the couch, and he put an arm around Lafayette, his face in their neck, and Alex on their other side. Burr started to head out.

“Where are you going?” Lafayette asked.

“I’m going to call Jefferson, see if he’ll get us some dinner.”

“It’s Christmas Eve. He’s probably busy.” He shrugged.

“Doesn’t hurt to try.” The door was halfway closed when Alex spoke up.

“I left my pain meds in the car.”

“I’ll grab them for you.” Burr said.

“Thanks.” The door shut with a loud click and then if fell into silence except for their light breathing and Alex’s occasional sniffle Alex heard Lafayette take in a sharp breath and then them muttering to Hercules.

“Stop it, this isn’t the time.” He sank back into the arm of the couch, sighing. Alex realized that Hercules may not have been all the ok with the way the other two had been acting, that perhaps he was jealous of Lafayette’s affections being directed at him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..” He trailed off and stood, Hercules grabbed him around the waist and pulled him back, onto him and Lafayette.

“Oh no, you don’t get to think I’m jealous, Lafayette’s just a jerk sometimes and won’t let me kiss them.” They huffed, crossing their arms across their chest and muttering something in French. “You are going to get back down here.” He situated Alex so that he was practically curled up in Hercules lap. “And you two going to get some sleep.”

“But..” Alex started to protest.

“No but’s, I’ll wake you up if the nurse or Burr comes back.” He turned to Lafayette who was scrolling through their phone, and plucked it from their fingers. “You too mon cher.” He butchered it, how he managed to butcher a phrase he’d heard a thousand times Lafayette would never know, but they chuckled lightly anyway.

“Alright dear.” They pulled their legs up onto the couch, tucking their feet between the cushions, and let their head rest on Hercules’ shoulder, pressing a light kiss to his cheek before snuggling closer.

It wasn’t long before Lafayette’s breathing slowed and Hercules pressed a kiss to the top of their head, their hair had been pulled back tight against their scalp and exploded from the ponytail in a fuzzy beautiful mess, before letting his head gently rest against Lafayette’s, his eyes slipping shut.

“Herc?” Alex’s voice was soft, barely a whisper.

“Yeah?” He opened his eyes, glancing at man resting against his chest.

“Is he going to be ok?” The arm he had around Alex tightened.

“I don’t know Alex, I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.” He muttered, falling silent again, but Hercules could feel the tears as they soaked through his shirt.


	9. Chapter 9

Alex and John were curled up on his hospital bed, Alex’s resting lightly on his shoulder as he traced the new scar on John’s abdomen. Alex had kissed him so many times since he’d woken up, his forehead, his cheeks, the tip of his nose, his jawline and then down his neck. He’d shuddered at the touch and laughed at the same time, muttering how much he loved Alex. This, he thought, was how Christmas was supposed to be. He barely suppressed a giggle as John’s hands glided lightly across his skin, raising goosebumps there. Alex glanced up at him, the smile on his face fell away and there was a hand squeezing his arm hard.

The dream fell away, as Burr shook him awake lightly. His limbs were stiff from being curled up against the still sleeping Hercules. 

“Hey.” Alex muttered as Burr handed him his glasses, they must have fallen out of his pocket while the group slept. Jefferson was standing behind him, looking slightly annoyed as he tapped his foot anxiously. 

“He brought food, and I brought your…” He trailed off,  unsure of whether to bring it up in front of Jefferson. 

“Thanks.” Alex said, shifting slightly, and moving Hercules’ arm so that he could stand up. “You didn’t bring James?” 

“He had to work. Part of why I’m here actually, because I had planned on making dinner and then he got called in to take over for Jay.” He held up two large bags of full tupperware containers. “So I’m here to grace you all with the wonderful meal my boyfriend’s missing out on.” 

Alex shook Lafayette awake and let them wake up Hercules, Alex swallowed his medication with a juice box Jefferson had brought especially for him as a sort of inside joke to Jefferson’s taunts of him being a child, the thought put into alone was enough for Alex to want to hug him, they weren’t the best of friends but he was trying to make Alex feel better by falling back into old routines of teasing, while expertly avoiding the elephant in the room. Jefferson had realized too late that he’d forgotten to bring plates so they all just dug into the dishes with forks, none of them bringing themselves to care as they swallowed mouthfuls of food. Unsurprisingly the meal was amazing, Thomas had always been known for his cooking, though his homemade macaroni and cheese was probably the highlight of every meal, he’d tweak the recipe depending on the occasion but it always turned out amazing. After the food had all been eaten, Thomas stayed, pretending he was finishing a slice of pie as he teased Alex about his messy hair. He managed to keep everyone’s mind out of the gutter as he kept the attention on him, cracking jokes or telling stories, at least until Eliza came back in. 

Her dark hair was pulled back into a high ponytail and she was holding a clipboard in one hand and fidgeting with a pen in the other. 

“I can tell you about Mr.Laurens condition now, I’m sorry you’ve been waiting so long.” Jefferson excuses himself, ruffling Alex’s hair lightly as he stands. Alex can’t bring himself to sift through everything Eliza is telling him at once, and it’s only after she’s leading him down the hallway, her tennis shoes squeaking slightly on the floor. John had been shot, twice, one had grazed his collar bone, the other one through his chest, it had missed his heart, but only barely, he’d been roughed up even worse after he’d been shot though, the guy had bashed his head against the concrete, he had brain damage, they knew it was bad from the MRI, but they wouldn’t be sure exactly how severe until he woke up, if he woke up at all. Lafayette had their hand on his shoulder and Alex gripped it with one hand as Eliza led them on through the quiet halls. 

Alex had no idea what time it was, there weren’t any windows in the room they’d been in and there weren’t any in the halls but time had seemed almost irrelevant up until now, now as he made his way to where John was lying in a hospital bed. He felt numb, he’d exhausted himself emotionally, cycling through it all, over and over and over again and now, when he desperately needed just a spark of hope, something that could tell him that when they reached that door, they’d open it find John safe and sound. That he’d be able to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, that he’d be ok. Things could always be ok if John was there, because John was the one who’d kiss the nightmares away. The one who’d keep his head clear when his thoughts collided to fast. Who made him want to go to sleep just so that he could wake up to those quiet moments in the morning when they’d both be too sleepy for anything but breathy ‘i love you’s and light kisses. John, who held him tight during thunderstorms, during his panic attacks, anytime he needed a rock, something to hold onto, something to keep him from floating away into the chaos of his mind, the chaos of the world that surrounded them, John was there, he was always there with kind words and soft kisses, and Alex didn’t know what he’d do without the man who saved him from himself nearly everyday. The man who he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the thought dawned on that he might get his wish, that he might spend the rest of John’s life sitting in a chair next to his bedside. 

Lafayette’s hand gripped his shoulder tighter as Eliza stopped in front of a door. Alexander took a deep breath as she pulled it open and they all stepped inside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say how weird this is to write Jefferson as an actually nice dude because I've been reading this killer fanfic called Non-Stop, which is literally tearing me apart emotionally at the moment, but Jefferson is literally the worst person in the world and I currently want to put a knife in his kidney. So Jefferson not being a heartless dickbag who deserves a cactus up the ass is really strange for me right now.  
> Comments are literally my favorite things in the world so feel free to tell me what you think.


	10. Chapter 10

The first thing Alex notices when they walk in the room isn’t John, it is the man standing next to the bed in a suit that looked like it cost more than Alex made in a year at the coffee shop. He face tightened when he saw Alex, glaring at him, his mouth opened like he was about to speak but then his phone went off and he pulled it out, glanced at the caller ID and answered before stepping out of the room, his voice loud even when he left Alex could hear it fading as he walked down the hall. 

John was lying flat on the bed, a soft beeping as a machine monitored his heart rate, the blanket pulled up to his chest and his arms on top of them.

“How long until he wakes up?” Alex asked hesitantly.

“He’s been unresponsive and after the MRI he was declared comatose. He’s alive on his own. The machines aren’t just holding him in suspension.” She put the clipboard she had been carrying in the tray at the end of the bed. “I’m sorry, but right now we don’t how long it will be.” She leaves the group alone in the room, she hadn’t told them that earlier, and the weight of her words hung in the air. He could barely stand, his legs too wobbly. Alex found himself being led to the chair next to the bed by Lafayette. 

“Do you want a few minutes?” They asked, crouching down so that they were level with him, and he nodded. Lafayette stood, pressing a kiss to the top of his head halfway through, before taking Mulligan by the hand and gesturing for Burr to follow the two of them. He let his hand move forward onto the bed so that he could take John’s hand in his own. 

“It’s going to be ok.” He whispered, pressing a kiss to the back of his hand. “Because none of this is real, and I just got really drunk last night, and that's why I’m having this god awful dream. I always have bad dreams when I get drunk, but I’m going to wake up at that too soft bed at Hercules’ house and you got in last night and you’re gonna be passed out next to me, and everything's going to be ok.” He can feel his heart pounding out of his chest. “Everything’s gonna be ok, because you’re John freaking Laurens and everything’s ok when you’re there.” He wishes the tears would fall, that the sobs that were trapped in his throat would allow him to breathe, but he can’t bring himself to cry again, because if he cries again he admits that he’s scared. Admits to the world, to whatever divine being that thinks this is fun, just how much John means to him and that in doing so they’ll take him. That they’ll steal him away and he won’t wake up, that he’ll just lay here, on this bed with the scratchy sheets that Alex can still remember.

He lets go of John’s hand, and starts to remove his coat, laying it across the back of the chair when the small velvet box falls from it, a soft knock as it hit the floor. He grabbed it in an instant, and shoved it back in the pocket, it was best for him not to remember the plans he’d made, or the words he had put together in his mind over and over again he had gone over how to put it into words, but none of that mattered, not now, maybe not ever, thinking about it would only make that hurt more. He leaned forward, letting his head rest on the side of the bed, John’s fingers barely brushing his cheek. His dark eyes slipping shut.

There’s someone gently shaking his shoulder and when he manages to blink away the grogginess Lafayette is standing above him, their face nothing but soft compassion.

“Sorry, I..”

“It’s alright mon ami.” Their hand is on the top of his head, pushing his hair back out of his face.

“Don’t, I haven’t washed it in a while, it's probably greasy.” Lafayette ignores him as they pull a ponytail from their wrist, stepping behind him so they could pull it up. 

“Laf, he’s..”

“He’s alive Alex, and the doctors think he’s going to be ok.” They finish wrapping his hair into a bun and step in front of him. 

“They just don’t know when he’s going to wake up.” They sat down on the arm of the chair and somehow managed to rearrange the two of them so that Alex was curled up on their lap. “Where’s Herc?” 

“I sent him and Burr home.” They must see the panic in his face. “Not home, home. Just back to Burr’s dorm, they needed a break.”

“And you didn’t?”

“We all do, but I’m not going to leave you here all alone.” He lets his head rest on Lafayette’s shoulder, his breath warm on their neck. “It’s alright to be hopeful Alex.”

“I’m scared to.” They ran a hand up and down his back.

“I know.” 

“I was going to ask him to marry me.” He’d mentioned the ring to Burr, joked about the wedding but hadn’t said the words aloud. They let out a soft sigh and held him tighter. 

“You’re going to ask him and you’re going to have a huge wedding and I’m going to make Hercules make me the prettiest dress you’ve ever seen.”

“Do you model his stuff a lot?”

“Oui, it’s always fun, at least until he sticks me with a needle for fidgeting.” Alex can feel the ghost of a smile on his lips imagining the scene. 

“I didn’t think you were capable of standing still for more than a few seconds.”

“Um, excuse-toi, I am sitting still now.” Alex cast a glance at Lafayette’s bouncing leg. “Shut up.” They said, half laughing and Alex felt his chest tighten when Lafayette pressed their lips to his forehead. They must have noticed because they pulled away suddenly. “Are you alright?”

“John just kisses my forehead a lot.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s ok. I like it, but I haven’t seen you in months and you’re the only other person who…” He trails off, but Lafayette doesn’t push, just lets him string his thoughts together, the need to stop him from overwhelming himself mostly gone. “He has to be ok Laf, I don’t know what I’d do without him.” They don’t respond except to tighten their hold around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened. Lafayette is my literal fave, Daveed Diggs is a beautiful human being who I require a hug from, but like actual Lafayette in the revolution was a boss as motherfucker and his wife was awesome, do some research on Lafayette, seriously he was literally amazing and I'm very sad he isn't still alive. But my Lafayette, in this fic, is also a precious cinnamon roll who wears dresses because their boyfriend is in the fashion industry and also because they just like to wear dresses.


	11. Chapter 11

It seemed like years had passed since Alex had kissed John good-bye, as if an entire lifetime had passed in the last week. He’d spent most of that time in the hospital. Lafayette hadn’t left him alone for more than a few minutes at a time, how they weren’t absolutely exhausted by now Alex had no idea. Alex knew that having them there wasn’t going to last much longer, he knew that Lafayette and Mulligan’s flight home was on the second, and he was more than aware that New Year's Eve was tomorrow. He fell asleep in short intervals, an hour here, three more there. He had yet to go back to his dorm room, though he knew he’d eventually have to stubborn the heartbreaking emptiness of the the room without John, knew that it would likely be sooner rather than later because, while the coffee shop down the block advertised 24 hour service they most likely didn’t want Alex, looking more than a little homeless at this point, with his ever present French companion, falling asleep with his head on his arms as said french companion ran a gentle hand through his hair and sipped on a frappuccino across from him at a back table. He knew that the conversation would be coming soon. Knew that he was going to have to go back, whether John was there or not, whether his presence, or rather lack thereof, would send Alex spiralling. No matter that the room would smell like his cologne and that god awful cinnamon apple air freshener he insisted on buying, would permeate every surface. Alex had practically been able to picture it, John’s bed a mess of rumpled covers and his bag half packed on floor.

While Alex had been expecting the conversation and a hesitant return back to the room he had not expected Lafayette to practically drag him back to the dorm after he’d literally fallen asleep on his feet on the ride down the hospital elevator, he’d practically toppled forward into Lafayette. The half asleep journey home was punctuated by muttered french curses, the cool night air against his face and the strong arms of Lafayette keeping him upright as he stumbled along, completely unaware of their destination. In fact he was content to remain oblivious until they were inside, Lafayette must have swiped his ID but he hadn’t noticed, and they were rummaging through his bag.His head cleared when the lock clicked and Lafayette pushed the door open. They dragged him inside, and he stumbled over a textbook that lay on the floor.

“Laf…” He wanted to say something but he couldn’t form the words, couldn’t articulate the groggy thoughts into something coherent, so he just stood there, feeling like an idiot as Lafayette removed the brightly colored packages and gift bags from his bed, setting them on John’s neatly sorted desk. He’d been right about the bed, the sheets were rumpled and half falling off, one of Alex’s sweaters tucked slightly under the pillow. He could almost see John with the covers pulled up over his shoulders and sweater pressed lightly to his face.

“Come here, cheri.” Lafayette took him by the shoulders and guided him to the now cleared off bed, he nearly collapsed onto it, his legs wobbly and his head still swimming with sleep. “You need to sleep.” They said, pulling the shoes off his feet, he can barely keep himself sitting up, slightly dizzy and bordering on unconsciousness. Lafayette starts to unclasp the brace and by the time they’re finished Alex has barely managed to unbutton his jeans and they help him out of them as he sheds the shirt and lies down, Lafayette tucks the covers up around him. His pillow still has hints of John’s shampoo, a mix of lavender and sandalwood, from when he’d curled himself around Alex after getting back from taking a shower, his curly hair still damp, and loose so that it fell gently at his shoulder. Alex had been asleep at the time, over his head in the recurring nightmare that was actually a memory. John had shaken him awake lightly, and the nightmare had faded into warm lips against the back of his neck, and he’d held onto the arms around him like they were the only thing holding him to the earth, as if he were to let go he’d float away into oblivion, nothing but a mess of thoughts and too many words, and thousand little voices in his head that were constantly talking, constantly overwhelming him, but John’s arms around him sent the thoughts away and his kisses caused the voices to quiet.

But John isn’t there tonight, John is at the hospital and Alex is back in his dorm room, and it felt empty even with Lafayette clearing out the expired milk and leftovers from the fridge. He’s got his eyes closed but he can hear as Lafayette crosses the room and as he hears the door open he chokes out a sob, his eyes squeezing tighter and his hands fisting into the sheets.

“Please don’t leave me.” He manages to say and Lafayette comes back, kneeling down next to the bed. Alex cracks his eyes open.

“I’m just going to throw this away.” They say, holding up a trash bag. “I’ll be right back, ok?” They press a light kiss to his head as they stand, ruffling his hair with their free hand. “I’ll only be a moment.” If you asked Alex, he’d swear up and down that Lafayette had been gone for over an hour, though it had been barely 5 minutes, but he’d been too sleep-deprived to try to get up and in the short span of time Alex’s eyes slipped shut and his thoughts slowed to a crawl and exhaustion finally took its toll on him as he fell asleep.

Alex wakes up to the sun streaming through his windows and when he sits up and reaches down to grab his leg brace, he does not expect to see Lafayette curled up and using their arm as a pillow, not even a blanket wrapped around them. He pulls the brace on, and scribbles a note, leaving it on his desk and pulling off his own comforter and laying it across their sleeping form before shooting a text to Hercules.

_Your very special baguette is passed out in my dorm._

_A.Ham_

He managed to find his wallet and keys, and sneak out of the room without Lafayette waking up. Firstly, he need coffee, and Lafayette needed peace and quiet so Alex made his way to the on campus coffee shop. Peggy was working and she smiled at Alex, as he came him and punched in his usual order, Alex added a frappuccino for Lafayette when they finally woke up.

“Everything ok?” Peggy asked as he passed her the money and she counted out the change. “I thought you weren’t supposed to be back until the second.

“We came back on christmas eve.”

“Why?” It was an innocent question, yet even though he knew that’s where the conversation would eventually go, he was caught off by it.

“John’s in the hospital.” She dropped the change suddenly as she was about to pass it back to it.

“Oh my gosh, is he ok?”

“They think he should be fine, so long as…” He trails off and Peggy cocks her head in way of questioning.

“So long as?”

“He wakes up, he’s in a coma.”

“Are you doing ok Alex? I can take one of your shifts if that helps.”

“You really don’t need to, I’ll be fine.”

“If you ever need anyone to talk to I’m here for you, alright?” He smiles a bit.

“Thanks Peggy, you too, and don’t be shy about schoolwork, I’m more than happy to help you study.” She hands him back the bill he’d originally given to her. “I think your math skills need a little work to start.”

“I’ll take of your drinks, it's the least I can do.”

 

* * *

 

“Alexander, I am inviting you to a party, not arranging your funeral, now please stop being over dramatic and just tell me if you're coming?” Jefferson had ambushed the group at lunch, and arm loosely around Madison’s shoulders.

“I have plans.”

“You have plans? Pray tell Alexander, do these plans include wallowing in self pity?”

“You’re a prick.”

“Don’t change the subject, it’s rude.” He drawls, exaggerating his accent.

“Fuck off Jefferson.”

“You know, I’m actually trying to be nice, I’m inviting you to a party, my party specifically, so that you gain some ground in your social standing at this school, because you’re known as the kid who writes the essays none of the teachers actually care to read and simply slap a grade on for time’s sake, and not much else.”

“If we say we’re going then will you kindly fuck off.” Hercules snaps, and Jefferson’s attention shifts to him, a slightly scowl on his face, and lets out a loud breath.

“Fine. I expect to see you all tonight. Burr, I need your expertise, follow us.” Aaron shrugs on his jacket, but not before casting a slight glance at Alex, who gave a quick nod in response. After the three of them are out of earshot leans across the table to whisper.

“We are not going to that party. I am not doing that tonight.”

“I think we should go.” Lafayette adds. “I realize that it’s early, but you can’t possibly wallow any longer, it isn’t healthy, you need to get out there and do things.”

“I have a job.”

“That you don’t return to for 3 days.” Alex huffs, and adjusts his scarf.

“I’ll go if you two are going, but I’m not going to be happy about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to you, this is not going to turn into an Alex/Lafayette no matter how cuddly those two get, that's just their relationship. Also, I started reading the biography the other day and I've had a hard time not throwing in all these other dudes I'm reading about. Finally, I apologize for the sporadic and unorganized updates. I have had a hell of a time writing recently so I'm very sorry. 
> 
> One more thing: my Jefferson is a huge teddy bear with the best hair in the world because while I love the "let's make Jefferson evil and mean and EVEN MORE EVIL" and in real life I think Jefferson was a hypocritical asshole, I also really want to make Jefferson not a dick and have him actually be a decent human being even if you have to sift through like 5 layers of sarcasm and somewhat dickish behavior.


	12. Chapter 12

Lafayette and Mulligan somehow manage to drag him to the New Years Party, he refused to dress up for it, opting instead for the jeans, white t-shirt, and green scarf he had been wearing earlier in the day, he’d pulled on the coat that John had given him last Christmas, and trying not to think about the fact that while he was getting drunk with friends John was lying in the hospital. 

They arrived to Jefferson’s around 10, the lights had been set to change colors and people filled every space, music flooded the entire building and it would be  miracle if someone didn’t call the cops. Jefferson had set up a huge digital clock on the wall that was counting down the time to midnight. Lafayette dragged Alexander along with them to go meet up with Jefferson while Hercules got drinks. The music pounded in Alex’s ears and he wanted to be at the hospital with John more than anything, even if he was unresponsive it still made him feel like he was doing something to help. Hercules returned with the drinks, wrapping an arm around Lafayette’s middle, and leaving Alexander as an awkward 3rd wheel, but he took the drink that Hercules had brought graciously and swallowed it down as the people around them danced. 

As the night wore on Lafayette and Hercules would join the dancing people, and Alexander found himself at the bar on god knows what number of drink, his head swimming and his thoughts sluggish. 

“30 minutes to midnight!” Someone shouts and Alex suddenly feels like he has leave, that if he doesn’t get to John things will never be okay. He runs, or he attempts to run, intoxication alone would make that a difficult task but with Alex’s brace it seemed nearly impossible as he pushed through the people and out the front door, stumbling onto the street. He runs/hobbles for a while until he hails a cab, inside he tells the man to take him to hospital.

“Would you rather call 911?”

“I’m not hurt.” Alex mutters as he slams the door shut. The ride is quiet apart from radio as it plays generic pop music, the announcer says it's the top 50 list for the year but Alex had been one to care much about the popularity of a song or artist, quality over quantity, and prefered instead instrumentals that wouldn’t sway his focus when he was writing. The taxi comes to a stop in front of the building and Alex straightens his shirt before paying the driver and heading inside. He knew he was still drunk, but at this point it was devolving from the somewhat scattered thoughts to the emotional waves, he didn’t drink by himself, sometimes him and Laurens would pass a bottle of something back and forth in their dorm room, the door firmly locked and would giggle at the slightest things, they’d make out and pass out one of the beds curled around each other and wake up in the morning hungover, the feelings that passed between them happy, now all Alex felt was an overbearing weight, as though things would never be the way they used to be. He stumbled into the elevator and then out on the third floor and into John’s room. 

He was lying on the bed, looking so peaceful, so calm, he had no concept of the situation he was in. The TV was playing softly, the New York ball drop.  Alex sits on an empty spot of bed beside John. The timer hits on minute.

“I made it for New Years, didn’t feel right without you. I was almost late, see.” He gestures to the TV, and he’s not entirely sure why. “Less than a minute left.” 

“5!” The crowd shouts and Alex can feel the tears on the back of his eyes.

“4!” He doesn’t move to wipe them away.

“3!” Whispers the number along with the TV crowd, as he stands and moves to stand next to John’s head.

“2!” He grips the sheets in his fist like if he doesn’t John will be lost to the world. 

“1!” The crowd screams and Alex leans forward to press a kiss to John’s forehead. 

“Happy New Years Laurens.” He whispers as the tears fall onto John’s cheek and Alex brushes them away with his thumb, but leaves the ones that are still rolling down his face as he straightens. “I love you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so its been a while since this fic got an update, and I'm sorry about how shitty this update was.


	13. Chapter 13

He’s supposed to be taking notes, following what the professor is saying but he can’t concentrate, he hasn’t been able to concentrate in class all week, since it started back up. Jefferson keeps shooting glances at him from across the lecture hall, he can feel himself shaking, tapping his good foot anxiously. He’s got his head down, staring at the paper, twisting the pen between his fingers but he’s not writing what he needs to be writing. The lecture ends, people pick up their things and go, Alexander just stares at the paper in front of him, doesn’t move to grab his bag, doesn’t look up, nothing.

Jefferson clamps a hand down on his shoulder and he startles, sitting up abruptly.

“You doing alright?” He asks, very much out of his usual character, but they’re sort of friends, not the closest two people. Rivals? Yes. Enemies, not so much. Alex’s movements are jerky as he shoves his books and notebooks into his bag.

“Yeah, fine. Late night.” His eyes are a little bloodshot, and the bags under his eyes are noticeable.

“You get any of the notes?” Alex shakes his head and Jefferson rips a few sheets of paper out of his notebook, and drops them in front of him.

“I can’t take yours, you….”

“I take audio recordings of the lectures, don’t worry about it.” Alex nods and tucks them into his own notebook, and then wedges it between two of the books in his bag.

“Thanks, I guess.” He stands and Jefferson follows him out into the hall. Madison is sitting on a bench across from the door, headphones over his ears and a book resting on his knee. When he looks up to see them he takes the headphones off.

“You.” He says pointing at Alex. “Look like hell.”

“Thanks.” He mutters sarcastically and runs a hand through his hair, pulling a hair tie from his wrist to pull it up into a messy bun. “Better?”

“Worse actually, now I can see your face.” He stands.

“When was the last time you got more than 3 hours of sleep?” Jefferson asks and Alex shrugs. “And a real meal?”

“Does ramen count?”

“No.”

“I don’t know, right before Herc and Laf left.” Madison shrugs his backpack on and stands, taking one of

“Come on, you’re going to lunch with us.” He says.

“What no!” Madison shouts at the same time as Alex.. Madison shoots Jefferson a look.

“You have a class in the next hour?”

“No.”

“Then you’re coming with us.”

“I was going to go see John.”

“Is he awake?”

“Not yet.” Jefferson grabs Alex’s backpack handle as he tries to leave.

“You are going to eat something real. I’ll buy, since James is being a little shit.”

“But..”

“No but’s.” He wraps an arm over Alex’s shoulders leading him towards student parking.“You haven’t had real food in over a week, you are eating real meat with something green.”

“You’re not my mother.” Alex says, shrugging him off. “And no one asked you to take care of me.”

“Actually they did.” Jefferson says, replacing his arm around his shoulder and grabbing Madison to press him to his other side. “Lafayette wanted me to make sure you didn’t die.”

“I’m not going to die.”

“Yes, well, they want to make sure you are not on the verge of death, much to my dismay I owe them a few favors, so I’m going to make sure you take of yourself.”

“Fuck you.”

“That’s Maddi’s job.” Madison shoots Thomas a glare. “Oh come on James, I know you don’t hate Alex, as annoying as he is.” Alex has no idea why he continues to go along with the two of them, Madison was still bitter about Hamilton’s victory at an essay contest at the beginning of the year. Madison broke away from Jefferson.

“I’m just going to study.” He said. “Unlike Alex I can take care of myself.”

“Ignore him, he’s got penile issues.”

“Just shut up.” Alex said, pushing his arm off of him and stepping away. “If I go to lunch will you just leave me the fuck alone, I’ll give you back your notes after I…”

“Alex, mon am…”

“No, you don’t get to do the french thing. You are not Lafayette.”

“I’m trying to be sympathetic, ok?” He said. “I’m also trying to get back in Lafayette’s graces, for reasons I don’t want to get into at the moment. But also, as much as you and I fight, life would be pretty dull without you throwing things at me.” Alex huffed.

“Stop being nice to me.”

“Fine, now come on you little shit. We’re getting food.” He pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and Alex realized they were stopped in front of his car. Alex stood there for a moment and Jefferson nudged him off the curb, making him trip slightly and then reaching out to catch him around the waist, and pulled him back up. There was a moment then, Jefferson’s hand on his back, a smirk on his lips, Alex pressed slightly against him. It ended just as quickly as Alex pushed away from him, barely keeping his balance as he stumbled back.

“Get in the car before you fall and break your hip.” Jefferson said, but there was something that almost felt like disappointment beneath the comment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOoooooo. Guess who's going to start updating again, maybe PTTG will get an update this weekend too. ITS SUPER NICE OUT WHERE I LIVE AND I'M SO PUMPED FOR SUMMER!!!


	14. Chapter 14

Alex doesn’t have the slightest idea of what he wants to eat so when the waitress comes over to take their order, he just frowns at the extensive menu as he continues to look over it. Jefferson orders for him after several awkward moments of the waitress waiting patiently. They mostly just sit in silence, or Alex sits in silence while Jefferson talks and talks and talks, the roles are normally reversed except that Jefferson would seem to be actively ignoring him, and Alex simply can’t find himself able to focus on what he’s saying. 

The food arrives, Alex hadn’t realized how hungry he was until it’s sitting in front of him, he eats quickly and Jefferson makes a comment about his lack of manners, to which Alex sticks out his tongue at. Jefferson only rolls his eyes and picks at his own food. The waitress comes back and takes the cleared plates, Jefferson orders Alex a piece of apple pie and gets a coffee for himself. Alex doesn’t protest to his own caffeine deprivation, though he’ll probably have a cup of coffee at the hospital, to calm the jittery exhaustion that has fallen over him the last hour. Jefferson pays, leaves a large tip as well, something Alex hadn’t expected out of him. He’d had a version of Jefferson built in his head, an asshole who pushed people around. The last few hours was seeming him in a different light, not as Jefferson: the asshole, but rather Thomas: the not quite as much of a prick.They climb back into Thomas’ car and as they pull out of the parking space his eyelids become unbearably heavy, the soft music playing and the soft hum of the engine slowing his mind. He lets his eyes slip shut, just for a bit, he tells himself. He’s not falling asleep just resting his eyes and soon his thoughts are swimming and he’s fast asleep in the passenger's seat.

* * *

 

The first thing he notices when he wakes up is that he’s in car. He goes rigid for a moment, he’s not hurt, sure his leg hurts, but there’s nothing new there. The car is parked, the engine still running and warm air spills from the vents. He’s laying down in the passenger seat, head pillowed by his hands and against the door. He moves so that he’s siting up and Thomas glances at him from the driver’s seat, it’s been pushed back all the way and he has his legs stretched out in front of him, a notebook sits open on his lap, pen caught between two fingers and an earbud in one ear.

“You alright?” Alex doesn’t move. He still hates driving after the accident, it's not nearly as bad as it had been, but waking up in a mostly unfamiliar vehicle seemed like a sufficient enough reason to freak him out atleast a bit. Thomas yanks the earbud out, to look over at him properly. “Hamilton, can you hear me?” Alex nods, and rubs at corner of his eyes with his forefinger and thumb.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“It’s fine, I didn’t want to wake you up or leave you alone.”

“Careful there, someone might think you actually care.” There was no malice behind the comment, and Jefferson chuckled a bit.

“Didn’t trust you alone in my car is all.”

“How long was I out?” Jefferson glances at his watch, pretentious twit, Alex thinks, who still wears a watch anyway?

“Little over 5 hours.”

“Five hours!” Jefferson shrugs.

“I had Maddi sent me the recordings from my afternoon classes, and texted Burr about the ones he shares with you but not with Madison.” Jefferson picks up his own phone, messes about it for a moment and then Alexander’s buzzes in his pocket. “Just emailed all that to you.” 

“Has your car been running this whole time?” 

“Its fucking cold.”

“You could have woken me up.” Jefferson shrugs. 

“You said you hadn’t been sleeping, it felt wrong to rob you of that.”

“What do you want?” 

“Excuse me?” 

“You are never this nice, atleast not without some sort of motivation, so can we just cut to the chase, you give me your notes, you buy my lunch, you let me sleep in your car and miss classes. So what do you want from me? Is this some game James is playing, because he’s still pissed about the fucking essay contest?” 

“No, I just thought, you’ve got a lot of shit happening right now, you probably don’t need some asshole just adding to it.” Thomas sighs, slightly exasperated. “Didn’t we already have this conversation.” Neither of the says anything for a long moment and then Thomas turns off the car, shoving the keys into his pocket. Alex finally takes the time to realize they aren’t in the student parking lot on campus and are instead on the top floor of a parking garage. 

“Where are we?” He asks, not reckognizing the area, though John’s car was normally parked on the lower levels of the student parking garage.

“Hospital, you said you were going there earlier.” Thomas grabs Alex’s backpack from the floor and hauls it over his seat, as he climbs out of the car. Alex gets out of his own side and when they’re both headed for the stairs he makes a grab for his bag. Thomas pulls it out of his reach and swings it over his shoulder, along with his own backpack. Alex loses his balance in the attempt and Thomas catches him around the middle. He doesn’t make a comment about this being the second time today, though Alex can feel it hanging in the air and huffs loudly when Thomas refuses to let him carry his own bag, to which Thomas smirks. 

Thomas follows him inside, in the lobby he returns the backpack and drops into one of the many empty chairs.This isn’t a waiting room for patients, just an area to look nice, theres a woman at a circular desk in the middle of the room, and she glances up to smile at them when Alex shrugs on his backpack.

“I’ll give you a ride back, want me to make you an extra set of notes for notes this week?.” Screw everything Alex thought earlier that day, this nice side of Jefferson is freaking him the fuck out. He makes a face and Thomas scoffs at him. “I know you haven’t been paying attention in any of your classes, I’ll just send you the audiofiles.”

“Alright, that’s fine.” Thomas smirks, seeming pleased and Alex can’t help but feel like Jefferson counts this as some sort of victory. “You don’t have to wait for me, I don’t know how long I’ll be.” Thomas waves it off and Alex starts towards the elevators.

On John’s floor, the nurse there smiles at him as he signs in. Soft blonde ringlets are pulled back away from her face. She glances at it when he’s finished and stops him before he can head to John’s room.

“Mr.Hamilton?” 

“Yes.”

“Are you here to see John Laurens?’ He nods. “I need to see an ID of some kind.” She says and he scrounges through his backpack to find his wallet and passes his license to her. She fiddles with the computer for a moment and compares the monitor to his license. 

“Is there a problem?”

“Yes, actually. You need to leave.” She hands him back the ID. “Family only, as per request of his father and you have been personally barred from visiting Mr.Laurens.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn. It should be noted that I know nothing about hospitals or if that's actually a thing in Real life, but fuck it, this is fanfiction and it's a major plot point thing.  
> Kudos and Comments are my favorites! If you have any requests feel free to drop an ask or message at oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com
> 
> Also can I just include that when this is done I am sooooo including the outline as a bonus chapter after the epilogue because jesus fucking christ, I am not following that thing at all.


	15. Chapter 15

He doesn’t yell, or shout, or really even puts up a fight, just stands there. He can’t see John, his father is stopping him from seeing John.

“Sir, you need to leave.” He doesn’t register that she’s talking to him. His chest hurts, he can’t breathe. Oh god, not now, not now, he needs to get downstairs, get to his dorm, but he’s shaking and he can’t get his legs to move and suddenly the nurse is yelling and there’s someone on either side of him, practically dragging him to the elevator, the ride down seems to last forever and neither of the strangers are doing much to help as he gasps for air, his head swimming in everything that has happened, the fear that he’ll never see John again overwhelming everything. He closes his eyes, trying to block out everything else. His heart is beating way too fast, he wants to scream but he can barely breathe. He hears the doors open, the nurses, or security or whoever these people are, start dragging him again and then he hears loud, fast footsteps rushing towards him and there are hands on his face, pushing the hair away and the others let go of him and he’s left in the arms of whoever ran up to him. 

He knows they’re outside, the cold air on his face, the smell of the city. It’s awhile before he opens his eyes slightly, still shaking, still gasping for breath, but he’s leaning against someone. Thomas. He’s got his arms around him as he sucks in breaths, and he’s counting them out slowly. 

“In...Out….In….” and on it goes and he doesn’t do much more than that. Slowly, it all comes back into focus, the world calms and he pushes away from Thomas only to be offered a water bottle. He wipes his tear stained eyes on his arm, not realizing he’d been crying until it comes away with spots on it.

“I’m sorry.” He says, untwisting the cap and taking a small sip. “It was a panic attack.”

“I know.” Thomas says softly. “Mads gets them sometimes.” Alex leans forward again, pressing his forehead back against Thomas’ chest. 

“I can feel my dignity crumbling just standing here.” Thomas jokes, but doesn’t move to push him away, instead wraps his arms gently around Alex.

“I left my bag.” He mutters. 

“I got it, it’s already in the car.” He notices then that they’re standing back on the roof of the parking garage. “You want me to take you back to your dorm?” Alex nods, but doesn’t make an attempt to move away, just stands there firmly rooted there, Thomas’ arms around him and he swears he hates this, hates that Thomas was the one comforting him. They’re both dating someone, and Alex shouldn’t be entertaining the thoughts he’s having, not when he knows that John could be dying. It’s Thomas who moves away first, and then they both get in the car. 

The drive back is quiet, and it’s only when they both get back out and Thomas grabs his bag, fully intent on walking him back to his dorm does he say something.

“I’ve been barred from seeing John. His father put it in place.” There's no reply for a long time and then just when Alex thinks he hadn’t heard him. 

“I’m sorry.” His dorm looms ahead and he unlocks the door when they get there. Thomas follows him up the flights of stairs, the door squeaks open and Thomas drops his bag just inside, more than ready to leave but Alex grabs him by the wrist. Drags him in and closes the door, Alex pulls him down, and Thomas melts into the kiss. He knows what he’s doing is wrong, knows he needs to stop it, but he doesn’t, because he needs a few moments of escape from the nightmare his life has become. 


	16. Chapter 16

He regrets it the next day, regrets it for the next two days, but that all disappears when Thomas shows up at his dorm a few nights later, it happens again. They fuck, Thomas leaves, Alex regrets, and within another 5 days they’re doing it again. It goes on for weeks, more and more frequently. He gets the nagging feeling that James knows, because he keeps shooting him glares in the classes they share, and Alex isn’t sure if that's just Madison’s usual response to him or if it’s because Thomas has a few new marks on his back every time he comes back from his dorm. 8 weeks since break, 7 weeks since Thomas, 10 weeks without John. 

Alex is at his desk, the clock reading 2:05 in the morning, he’s finishing an essay. Thomas is passed out in his bed but Alex doesn’t care if the light wakes him, Thomas has other places he can go. He feels sick, not feverish sick, more of a churning in his stomach, ever present since that night. Guilt, he decides, is what that feeling is. He wonders if Thomas feels it, about James. Alex hates that he’s causing the man more grief, hates that he’s doing this while John lies in the hospital. There’s a rustling sound and Alex glances up from his laptop to see Thomas grinning at him, grinning like a villian. He swallows the guilt as Thomas leans over the headboard to kiss him. It's softer than the ones they had started with. It makes it worse and he jerks away, he can’t do this, he shouldn’t be... He’s got his teeth at his collarbone and it all melts away, because this doesn’t remind him of John, John is careful with him, sure they leave bruises, but they’re all carefully placed, gently administered. But Thomas, Thomas is all rough edges. He pulls Alex from the seat easily, moving them both to the bed. He lets his eyes close and hands move down his sides, he buries his face in Thomas’ neck and breathes in, expecting to smell the fruity shampoo John uses, and instead it’s just the lingering smell of smoke. It pulls him away, and his eyes open wide. 

“I can’t do this.” He says, pushing at his chest. “I can’t, not now, not again.” Thomas steps away, the smile on his face gone.

“What do you mean you can’t do this?” The tone is angry and Alex flinches at the words. 

“I have John, you have James.”

“You didn’t give a shit about that the last 2 months.” 

“I wish I had.” 

“Fine, play the goddamn moral high road.” He grabs his discarded jeans from the floor. 

“I’m sorry.” Thomas huffs, buttoning up the pants. 

“Yeah, well fuck you.” He’s in a hurry, and Alex isn’t sure if it’s because he’s pissed about losing a fuck-buddy or if he’s upset that Alex is stopping this thing. Alex has barely moved when he tosses his backpack over his shoulder, stopping in the open doorway on his way out and lets out a loud sigh. “I won’t tell John if you don’t tell James.” And then he slams the door behind him leaving Alex in the empty dorm room again. He pitches forward, screaming into the pillow to muffle the sound, punches at another pillow, missing it and yelping when his fist collides with the headboard. How could he have been so stupid, Thomas didn’t care, he never fucking cared, and Alex had tricked himself into thinking he had. 

It had been Friday night and Alex doesn’t think he’s ever been so thankful, though his phone rings loudly around 8 and he pulls it out from under the pillow, it's not a number he recognizes.

“Hello?”

“Alexander?”

“Yeah, who is this?”

“Eliza Schuyler, I’m John’s nurse.”

“I’m not really allowed to see him.” He says, leaning back into the pillow. 

“Yes, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, and I’m not really supposed to be telling you this, but you seemed really worried about him and it seemed strange that they’d bar you. Henry is moving him to home care, and I thought I’d let you know before that happens, it’ll be about 2 weeks before anything is authorized and another couple before they can actually move him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN AGAIN!!! Because Henry is a major dickwad.


	17. Chapter 17

Alex is going to take him to court, he’s going to stop this before it can start because Henry Laurens has no right to being John’s power of attorney. John hasn’t talked to him since high school, he hasn’t been involved in his life in years and he suddenly shows up and he thinks he can stop Alex from seeing him, can take him away, can, can, can… He loses his train of thought as he formulates the rest of the plan, he’s spent most of the day compiling a case, he’s going to file for it on Monday, he shoots Burr a text, telling him to come by, that they need to talk. It’s a while before the knock comes and Alex wheels himself over on his chair to open it and then crosses the room just as quickly, typing away at the keyboard, a few printouts taped to the wall and his legal books opened to various pages.

“You alright?” Burr asks.

“Never been better.” He’s talking fast, the coffee hadn’t done it for him and he’d already downed 2 five hour energies.

“What did you need to talk to me about?”

“I’m taking Henry Laurens to court.”

“You’re what?” It’s more of an exclamation than a question. 

“He’s trying to get John moved back to South Carolina.” 

“Alex..”

“Don’t ok, I need your help, I don’t want you trying to talk me out of this.”

“Alex…”

“I’m not listening, now help or leave.”

“Alex you can’t....” He tunes him out, not listening to the argument against what he’s doing. “Are you even listening to me?” Alex doesn’t reply. “Alexander!” He shouts and Alex jumps as he slams the laptop shut at the same time. 

“I texted you because I need help, not so that….”

“You’re crying.” He interrupts and Alex wipes at his face, not even realizing that tears had been streaking down his face.

“Just allergies.” 

“Alex, you’re obsessing. You and I both know this won’t work out in your favor, they’d laugh you out of the courtroom.”

“I have to try.” He goes to reopen his computer but Burr’s hand is firm and doesn’t move. “Burr, I can’t just let him take John, he hated that house, hated that man.” 

“I know, but he wouldn’t want you doing this, not when we know how it will end.”

“I cheated on him. I...I...I betrayed him. I can’t just leave him to this.” 

“You can sort that out when he wakes up, and he’s going to wake up, whether it’s here or in South Carolina, he’s going to come back to you.” He nods softly and Burr hugs him. “I’ve got a date with Theo tonight, but I can call her if you want me to stay.” Alex shakes his head. 

“No, I’ll be alright.” 

“Take you meds, make some decaf tea, read a fiction book or watch some shitty romcom, and get some sleep tonight. There’s a pancake breakfast for students tomorrow morning, me you and Theo can go, alright?” Alex nods. “Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to leave the laptop for Netflix related reasons, but you better not start on this again. And, don’t you dare call Thomas, he was ranting to me about the shit that went down last night earlier, so just stay away from him.”

“You sound like a parent.” 

“Because I lived with you for so long. I had to adopt a paternal instinct or you’d have died the first time you tried to make pasta.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mostly dialogue, sorry about that.   
> as always tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com if you have any requests or specific questions.


	18. Chapter 18

That's not the end of it, obviously. This is Hamilton, and he can’t lose John anymore than he already has, at least when he’s here he knows what’s happening and that he’s safe, that when he wakes up Alexander will be there, that he knows he’s as safe as he can be. Burr had said he was going to leave the laptop, but hadn’t kept well on that, and slid into his bag, promising to give it back as soon as Alex got some sleep. He doesn’t listen, continues to pour over his books, using his phone for the internet access Burr had thought he’d cut him off from. 

It’s late, his head hurts, his good leg asleep and the pain in the other leg sending sharp jabs of pain that occasionally scatter his thoughts. He has to work tomorrow afternoon, though he can’t really bring himself to care about his work ethics right now, all that matters right now is John, making sure he stays safe where he is, making sure when he wakes up Alex can be there for him, can kiss him and hug him, and tell him just how sorry he is. 

He gets up from the desk, flipping off the light, shedding his clothes. He’ll take a shower in the morning. He doesn’t even bother with his own bed, just slides into John’s still unmade one after grabbing the pillow he’d been sleeping with. It doesn’t even smell like John anymore, not after the nights with Thomas, not after the amount of times Alex had buried his face in it desperate for the smell of fruity shampoo. The blankets still have a bit of John clinging to them, but it’s muted, the smell of coffee the most noticeable, from Alex nearly always brewing it. The smell of smoke, of Jefferson and the habit that Alex had tried to get him to kick, permeates the room even when he’s not there. Alex imagines he smells like it too, but Thomas hadn’t touched any of John’s things, Alex hadn’t let him, but as he buries his face in the blanket it’s there, clinging to it like a leech and Alex coughs, a sob caught in his throat, he just wants Jefferson gone, wants to take it all back. Wishes he’d pressed John more to just take the day off, so that he could be here now, could wrap his arms around him, could press kisses to the back of his neck. 

He gets up, gets redressed, shoves his hands in the pocket of an oversized hoodie and heads down the stairs, out of the dorms, the brittle air cooling his warm face. The walk to the hospital isn’t exactly short, but it’s not so long that he can’t walk, he used to walk all the time, would meet John there when he got off a shift, would go to his hospital room and just sit. That’s all he wants right now, to just be able to sit. He doesn’t stop, even though he knows he’s not supposed to be there. The elevator ride up is slow, and when the doors open he sees Eliza reading over a file and talking to the woman typing at the nurse’s station, the same woman who’d called security. 

“Alexander.” Eliza says, looking up, the smile on her face instant. 

“He’s not allowed here.” The woman said, already picking up the phone with one hand and pointing an accusing finger at him. “I’m calling security.” Eliza stops her holding the phone down.

“What are you talking about?”

“Mr. Laurens, that coma boy’s father doesn’t want him here.” Eliza scoffs.

“You are aware that the ‘family only’ policy is illegal.” The woman pales and Alex freezes. Eliza turns to him. “I’ll get you signed in, I don’t know how this happened, but however it happened, we’ll get it sorted out. For now, Alexander why don’t you follow me.” He doesn’t have time to speak as she direct him down the hall. How had he managed to overlook this. Eliza pushes the door open and Alex stops. 

“Were you being serious back there?” She tilts her head. 

“What do you mean?”

“About that being illegal.”

“I wouldn’t joke about that. Yes, the family only policy was stopped a few years ago.” 

“I feel like an idiot.”

“Don’t, it’s not that well known. Not like you're a law student.” He buries his face in his hands and she laughs. “Oh my god, you are?” He nods. “Well, guess I know now that Columbia’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” She smiles again. “I kid, you seem like a bright young man, go see your boyfriend before he gets moved home.” He wants to hug her, but he doesn’t and as she leaves she pats him gently on the back and disappears back down the hallway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I'm not always evil. As always comments are my fave, and if you have any questions or requests my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	19. Chapter 19

The beep of the monitors make him a flinch a bit, he’d learned to tune them out when you used to sit in here with him, but it’s been a while and they bring him back to high school, back to the accident, back to Phillip. He pulls a chair up next to the bed, holds gently to the hand closest to him and presses a light kiss to the knuckles. 

“I’m sorry.” He says. “You don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.” He glances at his face, his skin is paler the freckles stand out more. His hair curls around his face, it’s messy, no product to keep the frizz at bay. Alex can see his chest rise and fall softly, as if, as if he were to shake his shoulder gently that he’d open his eyes and smile. He does that, ever so gently, but nothing changes, he doesn’t move on his own. He doesn’t cry, he keeps that bottled up. John’s going to be ok, he’s going to wake up, eventually, and he’s going to explain it all. John’s going to hate him, going to leave him, and Alex may never see him again, but while he can Alex is going to keep him safe. He leans forward, folding his arms on the bed, balancing his head on them, keeping one hand over John’s. He hasn’t even realized he’s closed his eyes until sleep softly overtakes him, and for the first time in months the nightmares don’t come for him.

* * *

 

“You can’t go in there yet. They’re cleaning the room and…” Eliza’s voice from outside the door wakes him suddenly. 

“You’ll get me the paperwork while I’m waiting then?” The voice is familiar, deep. He raises his head slowly, realizing it’s Henry. 

“Yes sir, could you just wait in the chairs by the elevator for a moment.” There’s the sound of muffled footsteps and then Eliza slips in. “Unless you want to meet with Henry Laurens again I suggest you follow me.” 

“You truly are an angel in scrubs.” He says and her face goes a little red, Alex doesn’t comment after that and moves toward the door, he slips out, hears the click as it closes. Eliza starts to walk down the hall, leading him away from the elevators he’d gone up earlier. 

“You!” There’s a shout from the end of the hall, and Alex turns a bit to see the bright red face of Henry, stomping towards him. “You disgusting little, how dare you. I specifically called for him to be barred from visiting my son, to stop this insanity between the two of you.” He continues shouting and Alex stands his ground, doesn’t say a word against him, doesn’t even raise an eyebrow, literally shaking as Eliza stands next to him. Any other time it wouldn’t be a problem, he’d shout back, make threats, insult the mother, but he doesn’t. He can’t even make himself move, he’s still yelling and Alex has never been rendered speechless in his life. “You are nothing, and I want you to stay away from my son, and stay away from this hospital. I will have a restraining order placed on you…” He’s taller than Alex and he’s right in front of him shouting and shouting and shouting. “You are broken, you are nothing, and you killed Phillip, I will not have you take Jack from me as well. Do you understand me? You cannot turn my son against me with your foolish ideas. He will marry a nice girl, he will raise my grandchildren! You will not ruin that.” It’s that, that ‘living through your child’ statement that finally lets Alex speak. 

“He doesn’t exist to please you. John is a human being who has to make his own choices. You can’t make him into something he’s not.” He isn’t yelling, and he’s not sure how he’s managing to keep his voice level. His leg is burning, he hasn’t taken his medication since the day before, he can barely stand on his own so he doesn’t dare move, just stands, his heart pounding in his chest and then security comes barrelling down the hall and Alex hadn’t even realized Eliza left until he sees her leading them, and pointing at Henry. 

“Do you have any idea who I am?” He asks as they pull him away from Alex, and he shoves them off.

“Sir, either leave quietly or we will forcibly move you from the premises.” He shoots Alex an angry look.

“He’ll be home soon anyway, you’re never going to see him again.” Security escorts him down the hall and Eliza offers her arm to him, when he starts to walk, the limp evident.

* * *

 

His phone rings in the taxi ride back to the dorm, and he answers as he climbs out. Knows it’s Burr before he even glances at the caller ID.

“Where are you!” 

“Coming into the dorm now.” 

“New question. Where have you been?” He’s practically shouting and Alex sighs. 

“The hospital.”

“Are you hurt? Did something happen?”

“No, I’m fine. Just going to see John.” 

“I thought..”

“The nurse was misinformed.” He says. “Look,  I’ll see you in a few, I’m in the elevator now.” He ends the call before Burr can say anything else.

 

“I thought I told you to sleep!” Burr shouts as he comes down the hall and Alex shrugs.

“Technically I did sleep, we still getting pancakes?” 

“You do realize that finding your dorm room empty before 9 on a Saturday is slightly worrying.”

“I’m an adult.”

“You act like a child.”

“Everyone points that out, I am well aware.” His phone rings again, and he scurries to grab it once the door is unlocked and open, Burr lets out a disgusted sound, and turns to face the now closed door, as Alex immediately starts to shed his clothes.

“You’re on speaker.” He says dropping the phone on the nightstand as he drops on the bed, pulling his jeans on and refastening the brace. 

“Alex! I realize you probably just got to your dorm but you need to come back to the hospital right now.” His heart clenches.

“Did something happen? Is John ok?” He stands, pulling on a shirt and dry swallowing his medications from where they sit on the desk. 

“No! Alex, he’s waking up!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> scream at me in the comments


	20. Chapter 20

As he opens the door he hears Eliza talking, the ruffle of sheets, a soft laugh, slightly hoarse, a little gravelly, but he’d know it anywhere. The monitors still beep but it’s not nearly as monotonous as it had been, not when he sees John. The bed’s been adjusted so that he’s sitting up, the bed mostly supporting him, Alex had read that when people were in comas for long periods of time their muscles deteriorated, that their joints stiffened, he wasn’t sure of the extent of it all. Eliza was standing at the foot of the bed, the sheets pulled up so that his feet were exposed. 

“Can you move your toes?” He nodded, and then caught sight of Alex, grinning wide, his eyes immensely bright. 

“John.” It was more of a breath than a word and he was across the room in an instant, pressing his lips to John’s forehead, taking his hands and just holding them, scared to actually hug him, unaware if he was still hurt. John’s hands broke away from his and wrapped themselves lightly around his neck, pulling him forward. Alex’s leg hit the side of the bed hard but he couldn’t bring himself to care, not when John had pulled him forward to kiss him. It was soft and warm and Alex had missed the way his hands slipped gently up into his hair from his neck and the way his thumbs came up to rub soft circles on the skin just behind his ear, when the hairline ended, while his other fingers tangled desperately in the mass of black hair. He’d missed this, longed for the way his hands felt, the way his mouth felt against his own, the way John’s curly hair tickled his face. He could feel the tears on his cheeks. He missed the days when the slightest thing didn’t set off the waterworks, and maybe with John back his mind could finally calm, maybe now  he could finally breathe again. 

Eliza is giggling at them when they break away and John goes an impossible shade of red, as Alex rests his head lightly on his chest, just listening to the beat of his heart. Eliza finishes checking him up and says that a doctor will be in shortly. John’s hands move slowly up and down his spine, soft, simple touches that feel too good to be real, he pinches his arm to make sure he’s not asleep. The angry red welt that appears between his finger tips and the pain that shoots through quiets his suspicions. The hand not on Alex’s back is holding his, and Alex leans up to press a gentle kiss to his jaw.

“I missed you.” Alex says and the ministrations on his back falter for a moment.

“How long?” His voice is a little hoarse and he coughs a moment later. 

“Two and half months.” His hand stills now, and he takes a deep breath. “Do you remember what happened?”

“No. I remember you leaving with Burr to go pick Laf and Herc up, and then going to training. Was I in a car accident?” Alex shakes his head.

“You were in the rig with some other EMTs and you got a call, and when you got there the guy was on the ground and he pulled a gun. Two times.” John pulls the gown down a bit, exposing the scar of where the bullet had grazed his collarbone. 

“I can feel the other one.” He says, tapping a spot on his chest.

“It passed through your ribs, missed any vital organs, but you did have internal bleeding, and went clean through to the other side.” 

“Wonder what the exit wound scar will look like.” John says, attempting to joke, but Alex doesn’t laugh. “Why was I comatose?” He asks, laying his cheek against the top of Alex’s head. 

“The guy you were trying to help, he bashed your head against the ground, he didn’t want you calling for help.” The doctor enters then, Alex makes to sit up but John’s grip tightens on his hand. Alex could easily break the hold, he’s weak, Alex knows he’ll be in physical therapy, he’d been in physical therapy after his own accident for a considerable amount of time. Hopefully John’s will be less, hopefully John won’t have the lasting damage that Alex has with his leg. 

He zones out as the doctor speaks to John, asks him factual questions. Alex is aware when he asks him to move away so that he can assess John’s physical condition and then hands him a clipboard, asks him to write a few things, sign his name, do basic math. As he does this he explains some of the after effects of brain injuries, how sometimes people lose entire portions of their memory, forget how to read, or write or even doing basic math. John passes it all easy enough.

“I suggest you two catch for a while, and then you need to get some rest.”

“I’ve been resting for 3 months.” John says, slightly protesting.

“You’ll be exhausted within the hour, trust me, we’ll get you something to eat, and then rest.” He says, and then continues out the door. 

The ‘something to eat’ ends up being a thick smoothie drink in one of those sports drink bottles that a nurse brings up. The doctor had been right, not long after ‘lunch’, John’s eyes are drooping, and he’s struggling to stay awake. 

“I love you.” John mutters against his lips as Alex presses a gentle kiss there. 

“I love you too, get some sleep babe.” He’s got one of John’s hands in his own, worrying his thumb across the knuckles.

“Stay with me till I fall asleep?”

“I will.” Alex sits back down in the chair, still holding John’s hand. It’s after he falls asleep, his eyes shut, the bed reclined back a bit more than earlier and his head heavy on the pillow, he’s snoring slightly and the sound has never calmed Alex more, unless you count the occasional shift of his arm or leg, because he knows he’s not stuck somewhere in limbo and that he’s only resting and that if he leaned over and shook his shoulder, those pretty green eyes will flutter. It’s then that recalls Jefferson, and he drops John’s hand. He feels disgusting, he hates what he’d done, hates that he had fallen into the trap. He doesn’t wake John up, why disturb his slumber that he is so obviously enjoying by the smile that his creeping onto his cheeks, instead he stands, drops a kiss to his forehead and leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know very little about comas and coma patients so if you notice things that might be wrong, its likely wrong. I am adding quite a bit of creative liberty to the medical field and hospitals in this fic because I have never had to stay in a hospital, or had someone I was close enough to stay in the hospital. This is all a fictious conglomeration of me being trash and writing fanfiction about gay founding fathers. As always, comments are life and I love them! if you have an requests or questions feel free to drop them at my tumblr oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	21. Chapter 21

The truth eats at him, but he’s not eager to tell it, not when he’s only just gotten him back. Terrified that when he tells him he’ll lose him again, and that this time he might not get him back. He can’t sleep, and instead sets to work cleaning the dorm, he piles the clothes in a hamper and takes it down to the communal washer and dryers in the basement. He strips the sheets and pillowcases from the beds, drags them down as well and waits in the cool cement room for the washers to ding. He’s grateful it’s late and that no one else stays down here. There’s an abandoned load of laundry sitting in one of the dryers and a girl comes down sometime in the night, her dark hair pulled into a messy bun with pieces sticking out every which way, in pajama pants and a basket over her head. He raises an eyebrow at her and she huffs loudly.

“You’re the one sitting down here at 3 in the morning, I’m no weirder than you.” Alex doesn’t respond, just goes back to typing out an email to Hercules and Lafayette, slumping low into the chair. She doesn’t spend a long time down there, just shoves the clothes he had previously thought were abandoned into the basket she’d been wearing on her head. 

When the clothes and sheets are finished he heads back upstairs, he puts the sheets on the beds first, cursing when the fitted sheet on John’s bed doesn’t stay, he doesn’t fold the clothes, just collapses onto his bed, less than 4 hours until he has to get up for class. 

It’s a long day, the hours drag on as he waits for the lectures to end, he can no longer count on Thomas’ notes, not wanting to have to ask him. After his last class is dismissed however Thomas stops him. Alex knows Madison is right outside the door, all he would to do was continue moving but he doesn’t look pissed, just tired. 

“I.. um wanted to say I was sorry for my reaction the other day.” He says and Alex isn’t entirely sure he’s hearing it correctly. “You weren’t in the mood and I shouldn’t have gotten angry. I was kind of liking what we had, if you…”

“John woke up.” Alex says, and Thomas’ face falls, not long enough to be noticeable to someone who didn’t know him, but it was there. He rights it just as quickly, putting on a smile.

“That’s great, I guess that’s why you wanted to end it.” He shrugs, turns, about to head out the door when Alex grabs him by the arm.

“Thomas.” He turns back and Alex can almost see him smiling, false hope in his eyes. “He woke up yesterday, after it happened.” 

“Oh.” It’s a soft sound, and his eyes turn to the ground. Alex isn’t sure how it came to this, how they’ve gone from rivals to this in just a few months. “I should get going.” Alex lets go of his arm, and he heads out the door. Alex catches sight of him talking to Madison on his way out, Madison shoots him a glare, and Alex really can’t blame him. 

He stops at the dorm room before going to the hospital, picking up John’s phone and the book he’d been reading before break. He wears headphones for the walk, just letting it play on shuffle and not really listening to it, just a way to occupy his thoughts. Into the building, down the hall, elevator, he pulls the headphones out as the doors slide open and the nurse smiles at him as she passes him the clipboard to sign in. Down another hall, he’s reaching for the handle when the door swings open of its own accord. He expects a nurse to come out, or a doctor, but instead he comes face to face with Madison, who at the sight of him grins. He steps around Alex and hurries down the hall before a single word can be exchanged between the two of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are my favorite things ever! If you have a request or question feel free to put either or both in my ask box at oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	22. Chapter 22

He can feel the lump in his throat, a knot of angry emotion choking him out. He swallows, trying not to think about it, he wouldn’t have believed Madison, not in a million years, but he’s got pictures. Jefferson’s arms wrapped around a shirtless Alex in one, the pictures are blurry, taken from his phone when he’d gone to Jefferson’s house one night on a whim, expecting to surprise him. There were more pictures, Jefferson pinning Alex, Alex leaning into his touch, Alex kissing him. He felt sick, felt like their was a brick on his chest, like there were cold fingers seizing his heart. 

“Get out.” John had whispered, all he could manage, knowing the tears would soon fall, not wanting Madison to see him like this. Only, he doesn’t leave, not quite. 

“I’m sorry, for what he did, maybe if I had been a better boyfriend for..”

“Get out.” He said again, louder this time, the sob catching in his throat. He waits to hear the click of the door before he lets himself dissolve. Lets the sobs wash over him, the tears fall, he’s breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath as the sobs well in his chest, he folds his legs up in front of him under the covers. Pressing his eyes into his knees as the tears dampen the fabric. He catches the sight of movement near the door when he looks, not able to actually see the door because of the connected bathroom wall. “I told you to leave.” He practically shouts, but it’s not Madison who comes forward into his line of sight. “Fuck you!” He says, putting every ounce of anger he can behind the words he spits at Alex. Alex, who looks on the verge of tears himself, holding a book and John’s phone in one hand, his coat folded over the other arm. Alex, who he’d have moved mountains for. Alex, who slept with Jefferson.

“I’m sorry.” He says, and John can hear the pain in his voice but he doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want to hear a single word he has to say, not now. 

“Fuck you.” It’s softer this time, more of a whisper and he just buries his face back into his knees, he’d give anything to get up and walk out, but he can’t even stand on his own, can barely bend his knees up how they are now. 

“John..”

“Were you ever going to tell me?” He asks, voice soft, but enough force behind it too interrupt Alex. 

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Before you got out of the hospital.”

“Today?”

“No.”

“Tomorrow?” Alex doesn’t respond. “How many times Alex?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“When was the last time?” He doesn’t respond again, just continues staring at the floor. “Get out.” It feels like he’s just repeating himself at this point. 

“John..”

“Please, just get out.” Alex’s face has tears running down it and he wipes at them with his sleeve. He drops the book, phone and charger at the end of the bed. 

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I.” John says, as he starts out the door, as he pulls the coat on a velvet box falls from the pocket, it makes barely a sound as it hits the floor.  Alex glances down at it for a moment, sniffles, picks it up and shoves it back into the pocket. John doesn’t say anything as he watches. The sobs had died down as he spoke and when the door clicks shut again he’s full on crying, choking on sobs, blinded by tears, wiping his face on the itchy sheets. 

A nurse comes in not longer after, racing in like there’s some sort of emergency, but she lets out a heavy sigh when he looks up. 

“Are you alright?” She asks, pressing her hands against his shoulders to push him back so that’s not hunched forward and his feet slide back down the bed. He shakes his head, no, and notices that she holds the clip that goes on his pointer finger, and takes his hand to replace it. “You gave me quite a fright.” She puts the book, phone and charger onto the nightstand. “What happened sweetie? Do you need me to get your doctor?”

“Nothing like that.” He says sniffling, and she passes him the box of tissues from the nightstand. 

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Her voice is soft, kind. She’s young, not much older than he is.

“My boyfriend cheated on me.” He says, his throat is scratchy, still not used to him talking after the months of silence. Though the sob still starts to form and he has to swallow it down, has to blink his eyes quickly so that the tears won’t fall. Her face falls, and she sighs lightly. 

“I’m sorry.” She says. “Sometimes it happens with coma patients, their partners move on. Even after only a few months.” He’s tired, though he’s not entirely sure he’s going to be able to fall asleep, though it must be written on his face, because she smiles slightly and asks him if he’d like her to lean the bed back. 

“Yeah.” She does, and even pulls the covers up over him. 

“Get some sleep alright?” He nods as she flicks the lights off and he nestles in the pillow, already longing for the time when his physical therapy finally starts so that he can start doing things on his own. 


	23. Chapter 23

The nurses are probably sick of his breakdowns at this point, so he just keeps walking, down the hall, takes the elevator down with a small family, through the lobby and out the door. He can smell the hospital disinfectant. He doesn’t stop walking until he gets to the dorms, his hands shaking as he unlocks the door, up another few flights of stairs. He can hold it together until he gets to the dorm, he’s cried enough in front of strangers, but now he knows no one would feel bad for him. He’s an asshole, he cheated, he broke John’s heart, and in turn he’d broken Alex’s. He deserved this. He enters the room, dragging his feet and trying not to look at John’s side. The ring box feels heavy in his pocket, hyper aware of its presence. He sheds the jacket, hanging it on the door to his dresser. He drops into the wheeled chair at his desk, pulling the phone from his pocket. There’s 12 missed calls from Jefferson, over 50 text messages. He doesn’t bother opening them, just calls him back. It barely rings once before Jefferson answers. 

“Madison knows.” Those are his first words. “I let slip that John woke up. I swear it was an accident, but he…” There's a strangled sob from Alex’s throat and he shuts up. “I was too late, Alex, I’m so sorry about this, if I had just kept my mouth shut.” 

“He hates me.” He says into the receiver. “He’s, he’s, he’s..” Alex can’t think of the words, can’t form his thoughts into coherent sentences.

“Blame me.”

“What?” 

“Say it wasn’t your fault, say you were drunk, that I took...”

“I won’t lie to him, not anymore.”

“Alex..”

“I can’t do it, I just thought I’d be the one to tell him, at least then he’d think I had enough morals to be the one to tell him. I can’t Thomas, just like I couldn’t keep hooking up with you. I love him, and I’m hurting him, and it’s my fault that he was crying, it’s my fault he’s upset.” There’s a sound in the background on Jefferson’s end. 

“I have to go, Madi just got back. If you need anything, you know you can…”

“Thomas, we can’t keep this up.” 

“I know.” The phone beeps and the call ends and Alex leans forward, his forehead on the edge of the desk as tears race down his face, he doesn’t sob, instead he’s just trying to keep his breath level, the things welling up in his chest more of hiccups. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, to John who can’t hear him, to himself who just wants to curl into a ball under his desk and never come out, to an empty room, to no one.

* * *

 

It’s hours later when there's a knock on his door, he stares at it for a long moment, and then a second knock and he stands, opening it. Jefferson is standing there, looking more than a little awkward, he’s got a milkshake in his hand and he pushes it towards Alex. He’s got sweatpants and a t-shirt on, yet he somehow manages to look amazing.

“I wasn’t sure if you had a freezer, otherwise I would have brought ice cream.” Alex doesn’t take it, just leans forward and Thomas’ arms wrap around him, and he knows this is exactly how he got into this mess in the first place, but there’s warm arms around him right now and he’s being guided back inside the dorm and a kiss is pressed to his forehead. 

“You don’t love me.” He says, when Alex looks up at him. “You love John, because of who he is, not because he was there. I should never have taken you to lunch, I like you Alex, and I really did like you, Madi hates you because of me. You see the hell I put him through, so this is me, officially saying, we’re done as anything more than friends.” Alex nods and Thomas smiles a bit. “Give John some time to cool down, then go back and explain everything, explain why and how and what happened. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” He sighs. “Don’t expect him to jump back on board immediately, and remember that he doesn’t owe you forgiveness, he doesn’t owe you anything, but you owe him an apology, and explanation.”

“And what do you owe Madison?”

“Everything.” He turns to leave again, but stops and pivots on the toes of his shoe and closes the space between them, a soft kiss pressed to Alex’s mouth, he pulls away, a sad smile on the lips that had been pressed to Alex’s seconds before.

“What was that for?”

“To say good-bye.” This time when he turns around, he doesn’t stop, just opens the door and leaves, pulling it back shut behind him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it's pretty obvious that Thomas really freaking likes Alex, like the crush has been there for a long time, but he only brings it to light when he knows Alex is vulnerable, which is kind of fucked up, but he still wants Alex to be happy with whoever he's with, and poor Madi, he just wants a boyfriend who doesn't keep cheating on him, but he's hopelessly in love with T.Jeffs . I feel terrible for all the shit I'm putting all these baby's through. As always, comments are my faves, and if you have requests my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.com


	24. Chapter 24

Physical therapy is slower than he’d thought it’d be. For some reason he’d thought he’d be up and walking around without any help within a week. They tell him that he’ll be able to be released in few weeks, when he can walk on his own, carry his bag without fear of collapsing, he’s progressing faster than they thought he’d be after waking up. They’re slowly transitioning him to solid foods again, moving slowly through the ranks of  He feels tired all the time, it’s a frustrating feeling, and sleeping more only makes him feel more unproductive, but he’s long since finished the book Alex had brought him, one of the nurses confiscated his phone. He knew they would, it’s a generic hospital policy because they can interfere with the machines on this floor. Eliza had told him once he was released she’d make sure he’d get it back, and that he could use the phone on the nightstand if he needed to make a call, but he had no one he wanted to call. He wasn’t sure if the tiredness was because of the coma, his overall boredom, or if maybe the depression he’d managed to keep in check for the last few years, after his brother’s death, was making its rounds again, finding a weak spot in the cell he’d tried to contain it in for so long. He didn’t go on anything after his father’s shrink had put him on medication that had fucked up his immune system, he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to go on anything else. Being in the hospital felt overbearing, felt like they only brought him bad news, Philip’s death, Alex’s cheating, things could be worse, but he still felt like reality was wrapping its grubby little hands around his heart. The ache was still there, and his chest felt like it was empty, there had been something there before but Alex had ripped it into a thousand pieces. 

John wasn’t ready to face him again, didn’t even know what he thought. He understood the situation, the way Alex must have thought and justified it at the time. But, just because you justify an action, that doesn’t make it right and Alex had done the wrong thing. John still couldn’t believe it, because to him it had seemed like only yesterday that Alex had pressed a kiss to his cheek before heading out with Burr, for Alex it had been weeks on pins and needles, terrified he’d lose John. 

The opening of the door pulls him from his slumber but he doesn’t look up, just continues to lay there, still half asleep as the footsteps came closer. There was a hand placed gently on his forehead, and it ruffled his hair lightly. He cracked an eye open at that. Henry Laurens stood over him, and removed his hand. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” He said, and John couldn’t really believe his father was here, so he just shrugged a bit. He tried to reply but was caught in a coughing fit and his father handed him a half empty water bottle from the nightstand. When it subsided Henry had sat down in the chair closest to his bed.

“I was already awake.” He sighed and turned so that he was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling instead of having to look at his father. 

“We never talk anymore.” He says, and it catches John off guard. 

“I’ve been in a coma for the last 3 months.”

“I mean before that, you never call.” He shrugs again, not really wanting to discuss the reason they both know hangs in the air. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Surely you could call once a week, let me know how school is going.” John doesn’t reply and Henry keeps talking. “I realize we haven’t always seen eye to eye on some things..” John snorts at that, a poor attempt at a laugh but Henry ignores it. “But you’re my son, my only son. I know that after your mother died I left you two alone a lot, that I could have been a better father, and I shouldn’t have shut you out like I did when Philip…” He stops, neither of them want to hear the next words, and John takes a deep breath in. “I apologize for my former behavior, for how I treated your boyfriend during your stay here. I’ve been going back through that conversation since then, and I’m just scared to lose you too.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend, not anymore.” That's all he says, and Henry glances at the floor. 

“I’ll apologize to him, if that’s why…”

“No, it had nothing to do with you.” Henry nods, but John still refuses to look him in the eye. “I know what you did, what you told the nurses while I was here. It wasn’t right.”

“I’m sorry....” John sits up, glaring at him. 

“God do you know how much of a prick you sound when all you do is say sorry. Sorry doesn’t do shit, they’re just fucking words.” Henry looks a bit taken aback, “They’re just fucking words, you want to do something? Accept that I’m fucking gay, tell me it’s fine and that you still respect me and that you don’t care. For once in your fucking life say that you’ll love me no matter what, that you care that I’m happy.” He drops back onto the bed, once again wishing his legs would cooperate so he could walk out, so that he can hide before he starts crying, he’s so fucking sick of crying about everything, about the fact that he lost 3 months and in that time he’d lost Alex, lost a semester of school that he’d likely have to completely retake, basically lost everything he'd done for himself. 

“Jack, I realize that I used to have a certain opinion, and while I don’t fully understand your decision, I will try to.” 

“It’s not a decision, it’s not something I chose.” He sighs again. “But thank you, for trying, it means a lot.” He sits up a bit and gestures for Henry to come forward, offering him a somewhat awkward hug. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had prom over the weekend (that's why it took so long to update, sorry guys) and while I normally hate wearing dresses I had to admit I felt kind of badass walking in that little black dress (if I have to wear a dress it will not be a long dresses, those truly are the worst) and like 3 inch heeled ankle boots. In fact I called a senior guy a creep for hitting on one of the freshman that came with her sister, that's just how badass this 5'3" queer teen felt. Post prom was the best, however I bruised a couple ribs while playing a game because I fell and one of the other players accidentally kicked me, totally worth it though, it was a lot of fun.   
> Alright, so that was my little life update. Comments are always appreciated and if you have any requests or just want to chat my tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


	25. Chapter 25

It’s been nearly 6 weeks since John woke up, they’re finally comfortable with his mental and physical states to release him. His father’s stopped in a few more times since their first conversation, something John hadn’t looked forward to, but he didn’t dread them quite as much as he used to, at least now he’s not as much of an asshole, at least he’s trying. He’s walking on his own and is catching up on the semester he lost while in the hospital, mostly taking a few online courses his teachers suggested for him, luckily, his classes don’t start on the job nursing training until the following year. Alex hadn’t made a single attempt to talk to him, hadn’t come to the hospital, hadn’t called. He isn’t angry, more upset than anything else, a bit disappointed, he’d thought Alex cared for him more than this.

Eliza is wheeling him through the lobby, hospital policy requires that he take a wheelchair out, and she pats him lightly on the shoulder when they get outside. He’s gotten to know a lot of the nurses, he can’t say he’ll miss his days as a patient but he will miss them. She hugs him as he stands. 

“Be careful, ok? I don’t want to see you back here unless you’re working with me.” She hands him the backpack that’s on the back of the wheelchair. “Your phone’s in the little front pocket, your meds are in the main pocket.” He nods. 

“Thank you, for everything.”

“I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was my job.” He climbs into the cab and she waves as he tells the driver the address. Spring break is in full session right now, so he’ll be starting back in real classes as soon as they start back up the following Tuesday. He doesn’t bother with his phone, it’s likely dead and he’ll have more than enough time to call Henry when he gets back to the dorm. 

He runs into Burr on his way in, struggling a bit with his keys, physical therapy has done wonders but it’s still a bit difficult for precise things, he’s getting less shaky though, he just needs to continue to work at things, his handwriting is already starting to look like his style form before. 

“I didn’t know you were back.” Burr says. 

“Just got released today.” Burr nods, but he’s got an expression on that John can’t quite read. “I should get up there, they wanted to make sure I rested the next couple of days before school starts back up.” He pushes past Burr, and makes his way towards the stairs. When he gets to the door he wonders for a moment if he should just unlock the door, but decides to knock instead. He hears the familiar sound of the rolling desk chair and the door swings open. Alex doesn’t say anything for a long moment, just kind of stares and John had forgotten what it felt like to be around him, the emotional energy running high, jittery with caffeine.

“Hey.” He says, and Alex blinks before casting his gaze downward and going back to his desk. It feels so wrong that after everything that happened Alex is the one who seems more hurt. John just huffs at him and heads in, starting to put the things in his bag away. He plugs the phone into the charger, he’d spent a good chunk of time talking to people on the phone, Hercules and Lafayette had even called the hospital, so it wasn’t an immediate requirement for him to call anyone. Alex has gone back to whatever he was doing before John got back, it looks like a sudoku book, no school means no homework means free time, but it has none of his attention, out of the corner of his eye he’s watching John. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, and John glances at him from where he’s setting his own laptop up at his desk, and half laughs.

“From the fact that you never tried to contact me, I really don’t believe you. Too busy fucking Jefferson to call me.” John asks, turning towards him, and Alex cowers lower into his seat. 

“You’re the one who never called me back.”

“You never called me in the first place.”

“I called you everyday, texted you a lot more than that.” The phone on the desk boots up and immediately begins to ping endlessly, catching up on the weeks of missed messages. 

“I didn’t have my cell, they don’t like them on the patient floors.”

“I thought you were avoiding me, that’s why I didn’t come in, I thought you’d be angry.” 

“I’m still angry about it.”

“I can stay with Burr, he’s in a single. I get it if you hate me…”

“I don’t hate you.” Alex looks up at him. “I could never hate you.” 

“I wish I had never done it.” He says and John crouches so that’s even with the chair. “God, I’m so sorry.” John stays like that for a bit, let's Alex ramble, because he knows that’s what Alex needs, to tell him about everything so that he can forgive himself, because sure John was pissed, is still a bit pissed, but he loves Alex, he’s always loved Alex. So when Alex finally quiets to broken sobs and sniffles, repeated apologies and shaking shoulders, John leans forward and presses a kiss to his forehead, wrapping his arms gently around his neck. 

“I still love you.” He whispers and Alex buries his face into his shoulder, his arms going around John and holding him tight. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry..” He keeps repeating it and John shushes him softly. 

“I know, I know. You promise it’ll never happen.” Alex nods quickly and John tightens his arms a bit “Then everything is going to be alright.” He kisses Alex’s tear stained face, wiping at them with the pad of his thumb. “Everything’s going to be alright.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty close to wrapping up, just the epilogue left, hope you have all enjoyed this crazy ride. tumblr is oncetherelivedaboy.tumblr.com


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